Hell's fury to Heaven's glory.

I realized something today that now seems glaringly obvious. I think stagnancy feels like death to me............ and yet it is all around me........ It's like I have developed a sensitivity, aversion and negative reaction to it, almost beyond my control. I actually detest it. We are meant to "move."

I have to be part of a living, breathing community more than ever before. As I sat in a gym Wednesday night, waiting for a girls VB game to end, I had to smile. These 8-10 year olds were having so much fun, passing the volleyball. I miss the smiles, screams, and fun. My heart connected and I felt energized........

Jordan has moved into another place in SF, and Chynna continues to try to make ends meet, renting her room in Redondo Beach. Housing here has opened their eyes. The boys and I are together, thankfully. I have the most time with Logan b/c of travel time, and I cherish the moments......

I believe the separation in the 3 years that we've had, not only from losing their dad but in a sense each other's presence, is meant to bring us to maturity. These experiences have grown us up in ways that being together would not have. In some ways, loss has taken us through hell's fury and hopefully into more of heaven's glory............

After 14 months in SoCal, I finally felt like I had "real" conversation today, from the most unexpected place. As my business colleague discovered my story, and what precipitated our transitory move west, she got quiet. As I opened my heart, she could share hers, telling me how cancer has touched her life just this year....... a rare moment I'm cherishing. It was meaningful. 
My soul finally felt like it was filling up....... and I know I am made to do this.

The "strongholds of duty," whether to family, friends, or coworkers, can keep you from taking the next step and moving on in your own life. Duty will stop you from your destiny because it's easier to stay put......

This week I made a decision to leave my current position at Prudential CA in Hermosa Beach. It was one I wrestled over for weeks, but know it is the right thing, at the right time and season in my life. I have the support I need to step out, taking another leap into what I ultimately want to do..............

Stay tuned in. Love and Hope.

In hopes of being happy.

Happiness. That elusive element in life I have been looking for since my husband's passing almost 3 years ago. During our 25 year tenure, I wondered if I had found "it" because our time together felt severely tested. Being "happy" couldn't be so hard................... could it?

I came west on a quest in support of my kids, with few expectations of my own, but far more hopes........ Turns out being happy has to do with creating a "home", and I'm not speaking about real estate, that would be far too simple. Home is meant to be a place of hope.............. that envelops the heart........

Logan and the Redondo Beach VB team swept Camarillo in the first round of beach playoffs tonight which was exciting. This season has flown by and Log's put forth so much effort. Trainer Troll from The Yard called the team the" hardest working group" so far. I am continually impressed by his level of integrity in this culture to conform............

This week we've come closer to the issue of illegal immigration than ever imagined. Stories shared and reasons given are basic common knowledge, but for us, make the issue all the more personal. They come here in hopes of finding "happiness" firsthand, so I hope we realize what we've got before it's gone.......... or taken.

Austin is now down to one very part time job, and also going to school. We hope he can find another that fits well with his schedule. He continues to bike most everywhere, although I now have a bike rack in case he needs a pick up. Thanks John..............

With help and support, I was able to make a much needed move this week in real estate I will share in the coming days. In PA, I have rental homes coming available with more calls and emails coming from interested parties, than I ever could imagine. Being bi-coastal was the original plan........

"Chances Are." Five For Fighting

The earth is speaking.

When losing someone, the phrase "laid to rest" is often said as part of the tradition, terminology and language used to bring about closure. Ironically, just the opposite happens.........

The farewell process does anything but that. If anything, seeking "closure" brings about more questions...........
Without some kind of solid foundation to stand upon, or firm footing to handle the hardship, you will be hard pressed to process it all and you will lose direction, easily.

An unsettling fog rolled into Redondo Beach tonight, wrapping up a bit of a rough, hot weekend. We'll be moving into the first full week of October, and I'll continue walking towards my future and what brought me here. I will need more courage.............

Because of the transitory move made and my discoveries of real life here, I feel a sense of numbness......... it's as if I have emotions but I'm not "feeling" anything. I'm feeling the impact of the culture, climate, and the careless nature of SoCal; what is acceptable here, is not acceptable.

My mentality has had to shift, much as the earth shifts under our feet on a regular basis. It's as if the "earth is speaking........" So many are concerned with the climate, cruelty to animals, killing or not killing a bug, paper vs. plastic, but are completely careless with humanity. The "core" is what is wasting away..........

When there is indifference in life, there is a lack of passion, for anything. Everything becomes the same, much like the "seasons." You can only try to guess what time it is in life, if not tuned into the true Divine Authority, the Creator.

For our family, nothing was laid to rest; a whole new life seemed to begin.... and we've only just begun....... God help me.

"It was an impossible battle which is why I had to fight it. Survival isn't enough; you have to live."                                                                                                               Once Upon A Time

Memories aren't about the past.

In chatting with a coworker Friday on her upcoming vacation, I discovered her family is making a trip to the East Coast. While asking her questions on their itinerary, I could feel my heart leap when she talked of the Liberty Bell, Philly cheesesteaks, Whoopie Pies,the Liberty Bell, and our rich history.

Until coming so far from where we began, I did not realize how strong and deep our connections were....... and are. They are electric, exciting, and...... energizing. Had we not arrived in the South Bay, that realization may never have happened.

Logan and I spent another half day at Dockweiler Beach, as he competed on the Redondo Beach team; having his sis along was a treat:) Their team had a very successful day as we are midway through this season now, and one full year on the beach as a player under his belt.... or boardshorts 

This 17 year old's schedule primarily consists of training, conditioning, beach play, schoolwork, and an occasional video game. Not the norm. Driving is at a minimum until age 18 for a variety of reasons I won't bore you with, but the lifestyle is so different anyway. Waiting to drive around here is not a big deal...........

Perhaps I'm used to a faster paced lifestyle than the norm, but most days I get more thrills out of managing my rentals than making lunch plans. I know a few were concerned that being in SoCal would "change" me, but not a chance. If there are any differences, they are for the better... I am more determined than ever...........

I'm not for living in the past but I am drawing strength from my memories. If you can't feel, what's the point..... memories aren't just about the past, they can change your future. A few thoughts I have from lines in the movie "The Giver", I saw last night with my 3 kids, a rare occurrence.

I came away, knowing what I must do next.................. Cross Over.

Gain.

Sometimes doing what is necessary for the sake of another has to be one of the toughest things ever undertaken. There's uncertainty in the letting go...... what lies ahead..... and of course, when free will is involved, the greater the risk and impact.................

Perhaps in losing my very personal and protected relationship of 25 years, I was jarred into a new reality.... and remedy for life. I now do not hesitate to embrace the change that needs to happen; I know I am not normal but hopefully helpful:)

As we enter our second school year in Redondo Beach, it's becoming apparent the sacrifices of the first, will prepare for the next. It's already shaping up to be a better year than last for Logan, and it's only the second day. He has learned so much.......... as have I.

I've been told by friends back home I should never play poker..... that's changed:) I know I need to be here to advance in many areas in my life, including business, personal, physical and most of all, mental. When taken out of your comfort zone, accelerated growth can happen, even in your 40's.

After our loss, I went from managing my household for 20+ years, into the workforce, in less than 5 months. Talk about change..... struggle...... and suffering, but I knew the time and opportunity were right. I had to go for it. I was given a position at a Prudential in southeastern PA and my new journey would begin.

There were times when tears were triggered, or emotions expressed in the office; I had so much to figure out and try to hold it all together...... I could've run away from the change, but I stayed. Because I did, I am only beginning to see those rewards.......

Sometimes you just have to go for it....... and ask yourself, what have you got to lose?

Rewards.

It's official. One year has now passed since Chynna, Logan, and myself ventured west to settle in this strange and unusual land. As I look back on the year, it is quite amazing on so many levels. After one year, I have a pretty good handle on how this territory operates.......

I can honestly say the good and bad have made their presence known, much like the parable of the wheat and the weeds in the book of Matthew. They grow together here and it is very difficult to see the difference between the two. It takes every ounce of strength to pull out the good....... but that, we must to focus on.

Tomorrow begins the HS beach season for Logan and team. As you may recall, he was fortunate enough to join the first ever beach league last year, after being here a week. This year, he's on the Varsity team, and ranked with his partner as top team for this week. That may change, but hope not 

My daughter, who struggled in the early weeks after settling, now has 3 positions coaching in the South Bay and is fast becoming a libero. She had to be willing to lay down her dream, her hopes for a future in the sport, much like Abraham was asked to do. God asked him to sacrifice the most beloved thing in his life, his son, his future; but, at the last minute, there was an alternative offered.

As Chynna began to embrace the potential sacrifice asked of her, the most important thing in her life, God intervened. He gave her back what she loved the most. I know how scary it is to be willing to die to your dreams and not know what is ahead. However, I've come to learn obedience is far better than sacrifice.

As one of my sons said today, we focus so much on the sacrifice and what may be asked, rather than thinking of the rewards to come. I'm not talking about eternal rewards, I'm speaking of meaning and "wealth" in this life that comes in various forms. This belief is why I do what I do.........

I have laid down many relationships, things I love, and don't want to do without but I am reaping the rewards...... and will have far more than I can imagine.

Preparation.

Coming to California was by far one of the hardest things we've ever done. In so many ways, we've come so far.... in other ways, we have a long way to go. With the right elements coming together at the right time and season, "magic" can happen..... for anyone.

Sometimes you know you need a change in life but you just don't know what to do.... I always say you have to do something. Nothing will change if I don't change. I don't expect people around me to do what only I can. I will always be disappointed if my faith lies in another person.

June began in a big way and only two days in. Lots of plans to expand going into summer. I will be adding more content to my posts at houseofsecretsblog.com, as well as finishing the first draft of a book I'm working on. 
Be passionate about your purpose; persuaded beyond the preparation it takes to get further. In just one day, everything can change.

Tonight we celebrated Logan's first season as a Redondo Seahawk, in a crowded room at H.T. Grill in Redondo Beach. I think our teams have the best looking group of guys, as well as great looking coaches:) This has "never ever happened before" was a phrase coined this evening.

Our decisions felt affirmed tonight, as he earned his first Varsity letter in the west, along with his Scholar Athlete Award. His time will come in a big way going forward; hard work does eventually pay off. We're very thankful for what lies ahead, rather than being passionate about the past.

Lord willing.....

http://photos.dailybreeze.com/2014/05/photos-redondo-volleyball-logan-gehman/

Sights.

Traveled into San Diego County this week for VB with Logan's Redondo Union High School Team. We drove about 1 1/2 hours south of us, traveling near or through places I'd only ever heard of, like Laguna Niguel and San Juan Capistrano. I can hardly believe the sights.....

Chynna even had me driving into Camp Pendleton to find a Dunkin Donuts her map app took her too! She was pretty excited until I reached a young, handsome officer and tried to explain why we were trying to drive through the gates:)

Carlsbad High School was the destination for a quarter final match, on a quest towards a state title. The team had a big win in 3 games, taking us to a rematch with the #1 team in the nation, Huntington Beach Thursday night:)

Traveling in all different areas of the state is giving us a pretty good feel for the landscapes and lifestyles....... it is enlightening.

Goodnight and love to our hometown.

Secure.

In so many ways, we've picked ourselves up after a tragic event that tried to take us down. Being able to spend time together is not only life giving, but absolutely empowering...... I sometimes forget how much because I am so focused on what needs to continue to occur....

So many in our hometown and community are not only friends, but are like family too. You've been close..... and remain connected, our hearts to yours. In this new area we've landed in, we hope the same can happen. I want to make this mine.

I know we're not alone; everyone has things in life that make you fall, or damage your soul, almost beyond repair sometimes.... or so it would seem.
I've spent many months reflecting on who and what makes me feel secure. As a married woman, it was most often my husband; now it is not. I so much wanted to feel secure...... especially with so much happening in my life.

I've spent a lot of time deconstructing what and how I am supposed to live now.... and find that safety and security I really miss. I am finally turning the corner.... mostly because of prayer support and a mental shift I'm making.

My role as a mom has changed.... I am going with that flow. I AM working on myself;making choices of my own. Pushing back limitations..... I went with the kids to the soccer field. Today, Logan, Jordan, and I rented bikes for an hour for a minimal cost and rode the Strand. I feel I am finally changing. Nothing has changed for me except my intentions and actions. I know the rest will follow.

A few months ago, my laptop began giving me problems; I knew it was a security issue. At the same time, I had to close 3 of my credit cards, due to fraud and security issues. I knew God was trying to give me a message.

Jordan's job while here has been to figure out what was wrong, clean up all the "bugs" in the system; I needed more "protection" and "security" for my laptop. I knew I needed help and he was the guy to help. He installed the right software to protect me from stuff that should not get in. A metaphor for my life.......

I am so privileged to be sharing with you, some one on one through messages, and others in a larger venue. I am committed to helping you become "mobile". Mobility is the key. You have to start moving in the right direction........

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

— with Logan Gehman at Hermosa Beach Pier.

Oh Gravity.

As the game was ready to begin last night, a young woman held the mic to sing the national anthem in a full house. When the mic cut in and out, the crowd joined together to sing..... and the tone was set for the night. It was an inspiring and positive experience......

There is something very special about the connections established through this sport. Friends new to the game feel it..... and those very familiar with it, know it. Anytime the focus is off of self and the futile life it feeds, the better society is.

Since arriving here, there's been so much good that's happened; but equally so, the negativity has been bombarding. My late husband almost always had a positive word to say, which was kind of annoying:) But this drama and attack on the positive has been ludicrous. I must be part of a test........ but I won't be beat.

I've added a few extra hours to my work schedule while needing to remain part-time at Prudential. I need to find something to supplement my income, so praying for a miracle. Chynna was offered a job today which is awesome news! Her previous job was temporary, so she needed something soon. She has a strong will and the faith to match.

Believing this weekend will shed light on where we're heading and make each of our paths more clear. Feel free to believe for yourself and with us:)

Logan's begun more serious training with a teammate to improve his vertical.
His motto is "when gravity is pulling you down, you need the ability to get right back up." Amen.