Can I be happy?

Portions of Psalms 23 have come to life for me and even become quite precious in the last 3 years...... it's as if when hearing these poetic words, I feel the restoration meant for my soul....... and I know there are times of refreshing. Today was one such day.

While my family was tested by extraneous circumstances this past week and particularly last night, I often have a knot in my stomach when uncertainties arise. But then, as if to counteract the negative, there is an automatic response I now also have....... there is no flight, ONLY flight in me.....

I did not stare hell down through hardship simply to turn and flee, when the enemy of my soul attempts to do damage to those I love and the communities I care about. Speaking life is now my mission; THAT is the gift SoCal has given me..... and I have paid a price to get here.

I said farewell to my new friends at Prudential CA in Hermosa Beach today, soon to be Berkshire Hathaway Home Services. The name will be changing in a week, as well as the location, and after wrestling with God this Fall, I knew another change was on the horizon for me. I had to face it head first........

After training a new girl to take my hours and position there, I am now super excited to begin the next phase of my personal journey! Through this office, I have met so many interesting people who I now call "friends", to which I will be forever grateful. My manager, Mistydawn, gave me a chance........ and I thank you so much:)

I have been asked by the man closest to me if I can be "happy", to which I have replied in the past, "I don't know when or how...... or if" some days. That has been my honest answer; however, in seeking to follow the perceived will of God for my life, I remain hopeful.

John has been nothing but patient, kind, and supportive..... I am super blessed. The future will flourish and you will be fascinated...........

Goodness and love ARE meant to follow me (and you), and I think I may be finding just that..........

Promises are preservation.

So I'm finding out that apparently allergies do exist here in the west; I somehow was led to believe the myth of miraculous health here in SoCal, LOL. The Santa Ana winds are having their way and bringing similar symptoms felt back east:/

A bit of refreshing has come as coaches and colleges are responding to our emails sent regarding Logan's interest in a VB future:) Any amount of good news can carry us a long way...... it is what has preserved us this long after all:) For me, it's good to see Log smile again.........

Austin's back to biking to Elco for school this week, after a bout with a stomach bug. He's taking general ed courses this semester and is looking into a viable option for schooling elsewhere, as he determines what his major will be. He is feeling motivated and fighting the aimlessness of L.A.

My daughter continues to excel in her studies in personal training and fitness; she hopes to put her pursuits to work in a gym and gain experience. Her JV School team at Vista Mar continues to be successful, coming to a close of the season. She has made a positive impact and really enjoyed getting to know the girls team:) Coaching is in her future.....

And then there's Jordan....  He's settling into another new place, a room which is far more private than any before. Privacy is sorely lacking here and in NorCal; home ownership continues to be out of reach, as many his age are unfortunately finding out. It is not unusual to first marry in your 40s and limit the family size based on availability and affordability of housing..... I can hardly imagine.

For myself, since announcing my two week notice at Pru CA, my "time" has been taken up at a tremendous rate. While my husband and I had hopes for our future in rentals, I now work on maintenance schedules, showings, and continual communication with interested parties in homes I have coming available. It is fast becoming more than a PT job and I feel as if something has been preserved for me................

My promises...... they are my preservation.

All my love.

There are seasons where fulfillment seems to be found so freely; life flows from places you've invested in and all is well. When these seasons change, as is coming in the changing of time very soon, a shift is felt in the soul......

The resources that once fed and supplied "life" seem to dry up, and disappear, much like I and so many others have experienced. Is there any good news to share....... the answer is yes, unless you're looking to the wrong resources........ there are new voices to hear on the horizon.

Even in times of despair, the prophets of the Bible and those who spoke of better days ahead, believed in it. It seems that when women specifically felt desperate and practically destitute, a word of hope would come, even if in an unconventional way......

One widow was told after feeding the "future", her food supply would not run out. Another woman took the advice to gather jars and pour her last oil out, only to find her supply would not run dry. I am counting on these types of testimonies being replicated today....... and I am walking it out....

I still feel as if I can be taken advantage of as a female business owner at times; however, my strong support system helps to lessen the impact. I do know that in coming to California, I have learned to take my place and position, and push things I need to push for.

We do find we miss the change in seasons, and only in stepping away from the east, would we find that out:) Logan and I in particular, can't imagine another season away from home for the holidays......... and the snow LOL:)

My time with Prudential CA HB is coming to an end, as I began to train my replacement today. Another step forward.

Keep moving on with me:) All my love.

The Exodus.

Making a move in life always brings uncertainties along the way with so many things to consider in the choices we make. College, career, lifestyles, and loves all lead somewhere or nowhere....... Steps forward reveal what we leave behind...... and the value we place on a future.

My background is such that my husband kinda had the "final say" in decision making, even though we would typically talk things out. I had an opinion most often to share, but would defer to his judgment based on the doctrine we were taught.

Being in such a position is risky, because trusting my partner to make all the "right decisions" is an impossible feat for anyone. On the day he passed, I wish he'd listened to me.............. there has to be mutual respect in any relationship; without such, humanity falls.

On a daily basis, it is not unusual to be yelled at, leered over, glared at, and hassled in some way, by someone of self importance here in SoCal. Back east and elsewhere, it is an occasional occurrence. Making the decision to be kind is difficult because there is no "safe place" to land........

Logan and his new MB Surf team had a prosperous day at this first tournament at ASC today:) We also met up with dear friends and former Rockstar teammates, with hugs and smiles, as their bond remains special. Wish it could've been protected; however, in SoCal VB, the truth unfolds....

As time has accelerated in our lives, there are moves that need to be made in order for us to stay ahead. I will be training a new girl to take my position with Prudential before the end of October. I will then be solely focused on my personal business. and blog .......... and growing it.

"All steps lead forward." (Mick Seislove) 

A fresh start for Fall.

Being given a "'second chance" in life, whether your experience is in the loss of life or the quality of it, is truly a gift that is easily missed. It is as I move further in my journey that I continue to see this glorious unfolding.....

The opportunity may be wrapped in a beautiful covering, or simple plain brown paper, with nothing to catch the eye. Something given as a "gift" should make me feel good...... and contrary to my circumstances, I know the One I believe in gives only "good gifts......."

I may try to make a guess at what could possibly be contained inside, or how it might impact my life as I open this mystery. My anticipation is palpable; however, it's not until I begin to really unwrap it, rip into it, that I become enveloped in the possibilities and discover destiny within.........

As John and I spent another weekend in SoCal together, I continue to be amazed at the quality of this man I have gotten to know very well....... While I never imagined my life would take such a turn, nor the lives of my children, I see the possibilities of second chances.....

I didn't realize how, but I began to compartmentalize myself since trauma took the life of my late husband and our life, as we knew it to be. I think I had to segregate it in order to handle the major life alterations that accompany loss. Trust issues took their toll as well..............

I now am coming to the start of another new beginning in my life. In another week I will be leaving my PT job at Prudential in HB, in order to pursue my writing and blogging career. It seem the Fall season has brought about a necessary "change" in this season in my life........ more to come.

I hate goodbyes........... but I LOVE beginnings.

Hell's fury to Heaven's glory.

I realized something today that now seems glaringly obvious. I think stagnancy feels like death to me............ and yet it is all around me........ It's like I have developed a sensitivity, aversion and negative reaction to it, almost beyond my control. I actually detest it. We are meant to "move."

I have to be part of a living, breathing community more than ever before. As I sat in a gym Wednesday night, waiting for a girls VB game to end, I had to smile. These 8-10 year olds were having so much fun, passing the volleyball. I miss the smiles, screams, and fun. My heart connected and I felt energized........

Jordan has moved into another place in SF, and Chynna continues to try to make ends meet, renting her room in Redondo Beach. Housing here has opened their eyes. The boys and I are together, thankfully. I have the most time with Logan b/c of travel time, and I cherish the moments......

I believe the separation in the 3 years that we've had, not only from losing their dad but in a sense each other's presence, is meant to bring us to maturity. These experiences have grown us up in ways that being together would not have. In some ways, loss has taken us through hell's fury and hopefully into more of heaven's glory............

After 14 months in SoCal, I finally felt like I had "real" conversation today, from the most unexpected place. As my business colleague discovered my story, and what precipitated our transitory move west, she got quiet. As I opened my heart, she could share hers, telling me how cancer has touched her life just this year....... a rare moment I'm cherishing. It was meaningful. 
My soul finally felt like it was filling up....... and I know I am made to do this.

The "strongholds of duty," whether to family, friends, or coworkers, can keep you from taking the next step and moving on in your own life. Duty will stop you from your destiny because it's easier to stay put......

This week I made a decision to leave my current position at Prudential CA in Hermosa Beach. It was one I wrestled over for weeks, but know it is the right thing, at the right time and season in my life. I have the support I need to step out, taking another leap into what I ultimately want to do..............

Stay tuned in. Love and Hope.