Beyond beliefs.

I am thrilled beyond belief to know how many "friends" I have tonight.... and sincerely thank each of you for showing me so much love:) I have known all kinds of love in my life, and yet there is so much more to learn, feel, and live out.

A snowstorm on this day 3 years ago in Pennsylvania, knocked out power and took down trees all over our area. Labeled as a freak storm, this was a disruption at best. For me, it was the ultimate interruption in my portion of the world.......... and a day I will never forget.......

During the heart wrenching days of posting my trips to welfare and the social security office, credit card declines, bills to pay, a service to plan, a rental home to finish, and the list goes,..... did I begin to see a new course being laid out just for me, right before my very eyes. Pain would lead to purpose, as long as I could trust my perception.

I never had any interest in writing as a young person, strongly disliked a diary or journaling and felt that communicating was kind of a waste of time. But now, here I am............ and have kind of stumbled into it..... or perhaps there was a time to write.

As I turn 46, I am a mere semblance of my former self and in my experiences, I now can confidently tell you who I am. This list happens to include a single woman, widow, and mother............. .

In the times and seasons that have followed, I ask God for mercy, knowing His unfailing love and great compassion are two traits I wanted most, and hoped to share freely........ This community has become my new "home."

Welcome to my Life. Share in my Love. You are Home.

10/29/2014

All my love.

There are seasons where fulfillment seems to be found so freely; life flows from places you've invested in and all is well. When these seasons change, as is coming in the changing of time very soon, a shift is felt in the soul......

The resources that once fed and supplied "life" seem to dry up, and disappear, much like I and so many others have experienced. Is there any good news to share....... the answer is yes, unless you're looking to the wrong resources........ there are new voices to hear on the horizon.

Even in times of despair, the prophets of the Bible and those who spoke of better days ahead, believed in it. It seems that when women specifically felt desperate and practically destitute, a word of hope would come, even if in an unconventional way......

One widow was told after feeding the "future", her food supply would not run out. Another woman took the advice to gather jars and pour her last oil out, only to find her supply would not run dry. I am counting on these types of testimonies being replicated today....... and I am walking it out....

I still feel as if I can be taken advantage of as a female business owner at times; however, my strong support system helps to lessen the impact. I do know that in coming to California, I have learned to take my place and position, and push things I need to push for.

We do find we miss the change in seasons, and only in stepping away from the east, would we find that out:) Logan and I in particular, can't imagine another season away from home for the holidays......... and the snow LOL:)

My time with Prudential CA HB is coming to an end, as I began to train my replacement today. Another step forward.

Keep moving on with me:) All my love.

Written deep in my heart.

Seasons come and go in life when it seems as if the toughest of times are upon us, personally and nationally. These moments are meant to strengthen not strip one of power............ it is then that purpose is perceived and action is taken.........

Character is built in a culture who has been through stuff together; in communities who care for each other. Contrary to what I believe in and hope for, this concept is not found everywhere. If you have found it, freely share with others. If not, find your "family," a place you do belong.

Reflecting on my personal history is so much more important than wiping it away, or pretending the past never happened. That is insanity. I can't rewrite history but allow it to be used as a reminder, and "writing those words on my heart."

These reminders, when written deep in the heart, will enable me to never forget the journey and what it has taken to get where I am going...... and I am going somewhere. 
They serve as a constant in life and are what brings me back to "home."

I took a big leap of faith today as I made a decision I've deliberated for weeks about. When faced with it I was reminded of my May-September timeline; time set aside to strength my core for the coming shift. There is so much insanity in this space......... I am coming back to my center.

I am grateful for the support I've gotten in order to take this next step which is risky. I will share more in the coming days. My heart is a little bit lighter tonight....................

The earth is speaking.

When losing someone, the phrase "laid to rest" is often said as part of the tradition, terminology and language used to bring about closure. Ironically, just the opposite happens.........

The farewell process does anything but that. If anything, seeking "closure" brings about more questions...........
Without some kind of solid foundation to stand upon, or firm footing to handle the hardship, you will be hard pressed to process it all and you will lose direction, easily.

An unsettling fog rolled into Redondo Beach tonight, wrapping up a bit of a rough, hot weekend. We'll be moving into the first full week of October, and I'll continue walking towards my future and what brought me here. I will need more courage.............

Because of the transitory move made and my discoveries of real life here, I feel a sense of numbness......... it's as if I have emotions but I'm not "feeling" anything. I'm feeling the impact of the culture, climate, and the careless nature of SoCal; what is acceptable here, is not acceptable.

My mentality has had to shift, much as the earth shifts under our feet on a regular basis. It's as if the "earth is speaking........" So many are concerned with the climate, cruelty to animals, killing or not killing a bug, paper vs. plastic, but are completely careless with humanity. The "core" is what is wasting away..........

When there is indifference in life, there is a lack of passion, for anything. Everything becomes the same, much like the "seasons." You can only try to guess what time it is in life, if not tuned into the true Divine Authority, the Creator.

For our family, nothing was laid to rest; a whole new life seemed to begin.... and we've only just begun....... God help me.

"It was an impossible battle which is why I had to fight it. Survival isn't enough; you have to live."                                                                                                               Once Upon A Time

The Sweetest Thing.

At the beginning of the summer 2014, my daughter stated that in this next season we would begin "to see the realization of all our dreams." Even though a big, bold statement made as a declaration, I believed it to be true......... and I was speechless.

No one can prepare you for sacrifice, whether you're creating a business, starting a family, moving cross country, training for an athletic event.... or losing a loved one. Unless immersed in the purpose, you will likely miss the meaning. You must prepare to be aware or all is done in vain.......

As I reflect on the last 7 years of my life, I knew I was in "training;" for what, I did not know exactly. An unplanned pregnancy, a horrible miscarriage which led into depression; one business began, while another ended, and many more changes undergone in this period of time. I wondered how I would live through it, let alone make it.

The one thing I kept in my mind and heart was the belief that this was not in vain. I knew beauty would come from pain and I would ultimately gain. The irony of loss... and redemption. When I actually adopted this understanding, my whole life was impacted...... and so was the life of my kids........

Those dreams coming to life I've held dear for many years may not be the plans I have laid out. More than likely, "as above, so below" and we will embrace and adopt a greater purpose for our lives; a platform for the taking. I know there is so much more to come than we could even think or imagine awaiting...........

As we quickly approach November 4, I feel as if our 3 year "season of sacrifice" will lead us "home".........

"The Sweetest Thing." U2

Seasons in SoCal.

i learned today there are 3 seasons taking place in a 90 day period in Southern California - Summer, Fall, and Winter. I wondered how change can come so quickly in our journeys in life, and would I recognize its familiar feel. This "territory" is so new to me, still..............

It may surprise you to learn that change is resisted in SoCal as much as anywhere else in the country, and hardly what is portrayed. Another facade deconstructed.

Jordan was interviewed by an ABC 7 News crew Tuesday, as he, Chynna, and Janelle Turner made their way to the new Dunkin Donuts opening in Santa Monica:) Everyday brings about new encounters with locals, loonies, and those looking for anything but "love." That is the one thing missing.....

Today it felt as though I had something in my eyes, like irritants that did not allow me to see clearly and something I could not just rub away. After finally washing my eyes out in the evening, my vision became better. When I remove the irritants or "filters", I can see things for what they are..... and this demands a response.

It's become very clear to me that I need a new plan. I'm putting in 60+ hours a week with everything I'm giving time too, and that's not a social life or book writing. I have several "part time jobs" to make this all work, while keeping family members motivated and focused.

I find myself feeling more angry, as the actions of others always seem to impact my life.......... Logan and I are on parallel journeys.

I know the tide is turning; it's just a matter of riding out this current wave.

Reflection.

It kind of feels like nothing changes when there is no change in seasons. I wonder if this reflects life for some, who have not "weathered" the harsh elements in life that create depth and desires..........

My youngest is reflecting on his time here as we begin to approach the one year point. There are many things to do here, but much of the same because of the consistent weather. In some ways, it'd be easy to go back home. He misses many, many things, such as the land, the privacy, our deck and pond, the ATV's, airsoft wars, and substantial friendships. 
But most of all....... freedom. There is little here; you can't just pick up and do what you feel like doing. So strange......

In lots of ways, there is no going back... for now. We'll cross that bridge as we approach college. Open to most anything and only God knows where he or we will land. Following Houston, he'll be back to beach training, intensively so and find fun in that.

After laundry and packing, he shot airsoft gun at a target just next to me. We played war with cards and he tried on his new ankle brace, which was very amusing. Austin received his first paycheck from Joe's Crab Shack tonight, while I signed up for a Sallie Mae Loan for him.

I imagine it will be difficult for my daughter to say goodbye to her sweet little cousins, and tough for them as well. She's made the most of her time home, treasuring these moments. We all want to be bi-coastal. I want to make it happen...... we will meet up in Houston tomorrow:)

On this last day of June, I officially finished what I'm calling my first book, which I see as a series of "meditations and inspirations." Next is editing and adding content; then onto making contacts. 
The next adventure is what we're moving towards.

"Sky Full of Stars." Coldplay

Summer.

As one season ends, another is set to begin. The summer is setting up to be ...... magical.