Beyond beliefs.

I am thrilled beyond belief to know how many "friends" I have tonight.... and sincerely thank each of you for showing me so much love:) I have known all kinds of love in my life, and yet there is so much more to learn, feel, and live out.

A snowstorm on this day 3 years ago in Pennsylvania, knocked out power and took down trees all over our area. Labeled as a freak storm, this was a disruption at best. For me, it was the ultimate interruption in my portion of the world.......... and a day I will never forget.......

During the heart wrenching days of posting my trips to welfare and the social security office, credit card declines, bills to pay, a service to plan, a rental home to finish, and the list goes,..... did I begin to see a new course being laid out just for me, right before my very eyes. Pain would lead to purpose, as long as I could trust my perception.

I never had any interest in writing as a young person, strongly disliked a diary or journaling and felt that communicating was kind of a waste of time. But now, here I am............ and have kind of stumbled into it..... or perhaps there was a time to write.

As I turn 46, I am a mere semblance of my former self and in my experiences, I now can confidently tell you who I am. This list happens to include a single woman, widow, and mother............. .

In the times and seasons that have followed, I ask God for mercy, knowing His unfailing love and great compassion are two traits I wanted most, and hoped to share freely........ This community has become my new "home."

Welcome to my Life. Share in my Love. You are Home.

10/29/2014

In hopes of being happy.

Happiness. That elusive element in life I have been looking for since my husband's passing almost 3 years ago. During our 25 year tenure, I wondered if I had found "it" because our time together felt severely tested. Being "happy" couldn't be so hard................... could it?

I came west on a quest in support of my kids, with few expectations of my own, but far more hopes........ Turns out being happy has to do with creating a "home", and I'm not speaking about real estate, that would be far too simple. Home is meant to be a place of hope.............. that envelops the heart........

Logan and the Redondo Beach VB team swept Camarillo in the first round of beach playoffs tonight which was exciting. This season has flown by and Log's put forth so much effort. Trainer Troll from The Yard called the team the" hardest working group" so far. I am continually impressed by his level of integrity in this culture to conform............

This week we've come closer to the issue of illegal immigration than ever imagined. Stories shared and reasons given are basic common knowledge, but for us, make the issue all the more personal. They come here in hopes of finding "happiness" firsthand, so I hope we realize what we've got before it's gone.......... or taken.

Austin is now down to one very part time job, and also going to school. We hope he can find another that fits well with his schedule. He continues to bike most everywhere, although I now have a bike rack in case he needs a pick up. Thanks John..............

With help and support, I was able to make a much needed move this week in real estate I will share in the coming days. In PA, I have rental homes coming available with more calls and emails coming from interested parties, than I ever could imagine. Being bi-coastal was the original plan........

"Chances Are." Five For Fighting

Written deep in my heart.

Seasons come and go in life when it seems as if the toughest of times are upon us, personally and nationally. These moments are meant to strengthen not strip one of power............ it is then that purpose is perceived and action is taken.........

Character is built in a culture who has been through stuff together; in communities who care for each other. Contrary to what I believe in and hope for, this concept is not found everywhere. If you have found it, freely share with others. If not, find your "family," a place you do belong.

Reflecting on my personal history is so much more important than wiping it away, or pretending the past never happened. That is insanity. I can't rewrite history but allow it to be used as a reminder, and "writing those words on my heart."

These reminders, when written deep in the heart, will enable me to never forget the journey and what it has taken to get where I am going...... and I am going somewhere. 
They serve as a constant in life and are what brings me back to "home."

I took a big leap of faith today as I made a decision I've deliberated for weeks about. When faced with it I was reminded of my May-September timeline; time set aside to strength my core for the coming shift. There is so much insanity in this space......... I am coming back to my center.

I am grateful for the support I've gotten in order to take this next step which is risky. I will share more in the coming days. My heart is a little bit lighter tonight....................

The Sweetest Thing.

At the beginning of the summer 2014, my daughter stated that in this next season we would begin "to see the realization of all our dreams." Even though a big, bold statement made as a declaration, I believed it to be true......... and I was speechless.

No one can prepare you for sacrifice, whether you're creating a business, starting a family, moving cross country, training for an athletic event.... or losing a loved one. Unless immersed in the purpose, you will likely miss the meaning. You must prepare to be aware or all is done in vain.......

As I reflect on the last 7 years of my life, I knew I was in "training;" for what, I did not know exactly. An unplanned pregnancy, a horrible miscarriage which led into depression; one business began, while another ended, and many more changes undergone in this period of time. I wondered how I would live through it, let alone make it.

The one thing I kept in my mind and heart was the belief that this was not in vain. I knew beauty would come from pain and I would ultimately gain. The irony of loss... and redemption. When I actually adopted this understanding, my whole life was impacted...... and so was the life of my kids........

Those dreams coming to life I've held dear for many years may not be the plans I have laid out. More than likely, "as above, so below" and we will embrace and adopt a greater purpose for our lives; a platform for the taking. I know there is so much more to come than we could even think or imagine awaiting...........

As we quickly approach November 4, I feel as if our 3 year "season of sacrifice" will lead us "home".........

"The Sweetest Thing." U2

Connections.

Here I am, almost 3 years into this journey of loss in my life, and I am constantly learning.... about myself and my capabilities. There was a time not so long ago, I wondered what my talents were, and if I had any........ my husband seemed to have every single one.

I knew I was a great VB player;) but beyond that, I couldn't see much else, so I dedicated myself to the sport. Along came my babies and I enjoyed every minute of that time, for the most part, lol:) The roles I played seem to define me, even when I wrestled internally. Some I embraced, while in others, I evolved.

Had I decided at any moment to accept the role I played, without feeling like life had any more of a future to offer me, I would be in serious trouble right now. Never stop dreaming, expecting and believing you are equipped to do what you are purposed and being prepared to do....... life is just beginning at any moment......

I am seriously wondering what property management and real estate has to offer me, as my venture in this area continues to grow. I have great tenants because I foster relationships; connections mean something to me. I find most do not want to leave...... and I used to think it was because of my late husband, but now...... it's actually all me.

I've had some plumbing issues at one property that has been a hassle; an underground water line needed to be replaced and there's more to do. PA panic is what I call it, while LA is laid back; I'm finding a balance:) With good counsel and help from my family, I am figuring out how to handle issues that come up. My side of the family has been taxed by helping me.

When plumbing needs to be replaced, I know that God is giving me a message:) This time it relates to "connections," "fittings", and finding a good "flow." There's always work to maintain something that hasn't been updated in many years, but when it goes bad, it's crisis mode. Crisis is the worst to be in. I have found no one thinks straight, without the spirit of God.......... and even then it's questionable.

I'm finding people connect and respond to integrity, honesty, and understanding. Somehow I want to continue to give it out, even if I'm not getting it in L.A. County. This online community is one that will continue to expand, grow and keep connections strong.

Whoever wants a "home" will find it with me, with us.............

Crystallized.

As I expand in this area and word of our past back East is spreading, I find sharing specifics still surreal. I wonder how I can calmly speak to the hope that lies within me, that has kept me living, in the wake of circumstances completely out of my control.

I hear myself sharing the condensed version, seeing and feeling the impact the words make upon a person who has taken the time to talk or get to know me. Many are afraid to ask, while a few feel comfortable enough to speak to me about it. That's the way meaningful connections are made........

I've been studying the life of Moses in Exodus of the Bible, where many adventures began. While he was doing something ordinary, living his life, tending sheep, an extraordinary opportunity came his way.

He was on the "far side of the desert" which I imagine to be a very lonely place. During this time, he noticed a bush that was on fire, but not burning up; it was all aflame but not consumed. He saw this from a distance initially, but decided to take a closer look. It was in taking the look that he realized something spectacular was right in front of his face.

What had been ordinary ground was transformed into something holy...... Had he not taken the time to look, he would've missed the purpose of his time in this desert.... where he was alone, where it seemed there was nothing of value. It was in this setting, things would become much clearer in his life. His difficult past would be used for a purpose.......

Tonight Logan is playing videos he and best friend Dillon Wright made in their younger days back home. Those were great times:) We miss you Dillon..... but love these memories!
Austin's going to El Camino College to sign up for Club VB, after having made contact with the coach. Other opportunities are coming for him as he continues to ref for USA VB on weekends, and is looking into volunteer coaching in Hermosa Beach.

When a plan is laid out and a purpose is made clear, I just have to say yes....... even if I don't know what lies ahead if I let go of the past.

"Crystallized." Young the Giant