Hell's fury to Heaven's glory.

I realized something today that now seems glaringly obvious. I think stagnancy feels like death to me............ and yet it is all around me........ It's like I have developed a sensitivity, aversion and negative reaction to it, almost beyond my control. I actually detest it. We are meant to "move."

I have to be part of a living, breathing community more than ever before. As I sat in a gym Wednesday night, waiting for a girls VB game to end, I had to smile. These 8-10 year olds were having so much fun, passing the volleyball. I miss the smiles, screams, and fun. My heart connected and I felt energized........

Jordan has moved into another place in SF, and Chynna continues to try to make ends meet, renting her room in Redondo Beach. Housing here has opened their eyes. The boys and I are together, thankfully. I have the most time with Logan b/c of travel time, and I cherish the moments......

I believe the separation in the 3 years that we've had, not only from losing their dad but in a sense each other's presence, is meant to bring us to maturity. These experiences have grown us up in ways that being together would not have. In some ways, loss has taken us through hell's fury and hopefully into more of heaven's glory............

After 14 months in SoCal, I finally felt like I had "real" conversation today, from the most unexpected place. As my business colleague discovered my story, and what precipitated our transitory move west, she got quiet. As I opened my heart, she could share hers, telling me how cancer has touched her life just this year....... a rare moment I'm cherishing. It was meaningful. 
My soul finally felt like it was filling up....... and I know I am made to do this.

The "strongholds of duty," whether to family, friends, or coworkers, can keep you from taking the next step and moving on in your own life. Duty will stop you from your destiny because it's easier to stay put......

This week I made a decision to leave my current position at Prudential CA in Hermosa Beach. It was one I wrestled over for weeks, but know it is the right thing, at the right time and season in my life. I have the support I need to step out, taking another leap into what I ultimately want to do..............

Stay tuned in. Love and Hope.

In hopes of being happy.

Happiness. That elusive element in life I have been looking for since my husband's passing almost 3 years ago. During our 25 year tenure, I wondered if I had found "it" because our time together felt severely tested. Being "happy" couldn't be so hard................... could it?

I came west on a quest in support of my kids, with few expectations of my own, but far more hopes........ Turns out being happy has to do with creating a "home", and I'm not speaking about real estate, that would be far too simple. Home is meant to be a place of hope.............. that envelops the heart........

Logan and the Redondo Beach VB team swept Camarillo in the first round of beach playoffs tonight which was exciting. This season has flown by and Log's put forth so much effort. Trainer Troll from The Yard called the team the" hardest working group" so far. I am continually impressed by his level of integrity in this culture to conform............

This week we've come closer to the issue of illegal immigration than ever imagined. Stories shared and reasons given are basic common knowledge, but for us, make the issue all the more personal. They come here in hopes of finding "happiness" firsthand, so I hope we realize what we've got before it's gone.......... or taken.

Austin is now down to one very part time job, and also going to school. We hope he can find another that fits well with his schedule. He continues to bike most everywhere, although I now have a bike rack in case he needs a pick up. Thanks John..............

With help and support, I was able to make a much needed move this week in real estate I will share in the coming days. In PA, I have rental homes coming available with more calls and emails coming from interested parties, than I ever could imagine. Being bi-coastal was the original plan........

"Chances Are." Five For Fighting

Investing in Life.

Most days, as we go on in our lives in this new place, we rarely take the time to remind ourselves of where we have come from. There are glimpses, but unless I stop, reflect, and speak the progress out loud, it's easy to forget. There is no one here that remembers..........It is my job to remind.

There are no reference points, no moments in time to refer back to except those that have marked the last 14 months. As we continue to put our faith in the God we believe in, with His Spirit moving us along, we are moving faster than I expected. Time frames are flexible and we remain fluid.........

Since our loss, it seems we are learning faster and more furiously than ever. I have never seen or experienced anything like this; it is inexplicable. Perhaps this is what redemption feels like........ your background, history, choices, or mistakes don't matter. We all are offered a fresh start, at any point. Mine happened to come after a loss.......

We spent part of the day with Logan's HS Beach Team for Redondo in competition. Logan and partner Sean-Michael came up with a big win which will allow them to play in a special Doubles Competition next week. This was a very good day.

This sport brings us back to center, and ironically, keeps us grounded. It serves as a reminder........ the only familiar thing. While some may be self serving in their desires, I hope to use this as a platform.........

Chynna began classes, in preparation for her next phase..... as a personal trainer. We caught a glimpse of this a few years ago, and now with her business degree, coaching opportunities, the time feels right to pursue it. She has a few "followers" already, wanting her training.

Undergoing a transformation often happens during a transition time, between the time of "coming and going." This is definitely not the easiest season to be present in because of the "seed sowing", hard work, gut wrenching decisions, and painful process it takes. But in the end, the harvest will be worth it......

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

Uncovering hidden treasures.

I imagine Paul, the Apostle, was quite a charismatic man and persuasive for sure. We know that early in his life he was passionate and misguided, and as a result, many paid for his "mistakes." Lives of good men were lost.... taken, really. There was heartache and pain, which had to leave many good people asking the question, "why."

It was during a certain season in his life, however, that he had an encounter on a road called Damascus. The time came when God in heaven decidedhe could not let Saul (later Paul) continue on as he had been. The thing he had found fulfillment in for many years was now being challenged........

I think much of life can be lived in such a way where we can go on and do the same thing daily, unless challenged to change.... something, even just one thing. I find I have fewer and fewer excuses since my loss...... most times the control is in my hands, but the will to follow through is weak.......

We can be on the worst path possible but refuse to change a thing because of ignorance or obstinance. I have seen the paths to self destruction, or deception, all too clearly, as many make themselves vulnerable and open up to me. "Life can be lived either way, but for me, I'd rather try and fail, than never try at all." (source unknown)

Our local HS closes down for the Jewish holiday, so Logan has off the next few days. Beach practice continues, with a chance to lift at The Yard in Hermosa Beach, where famous athletes train. Austin's fighting a cold but was able to turn on his charm and got hired for a second job today! Another job serving at a local restaurant:)

Chynna has plans to expand her "business" in the coming days, so more details to come. And Jordan is once again "house hunting" or looking to sublet a room which is getting a bit old now. Housing and real estate really sucks here, in spite of what you may hear. Great for profiteers, bad for common people..........

And for me, "my purpose is that you are encouraged in heart, united in love, so that you may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order to know the mystery of God.... in whom are hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge......" Colossian 2:2

I am making this my growing mission. Imagine the possibilities....... watch for more of my blog, coming soon.....

Memories aren't about the past.

In chatting with a coworker Friday on her upcoming vacation, I discovered her family is making a trip to the East Coast. While asking her questions on their itinerary, I could feel my heart leap when she talked of the Liberty Bell, Philly cheesesteaks, Whoopie Pies,the Liberty Bell, and our rich history.

Until coming so far from where we began, I did not realize how strong and deep our connections were....... and are. They are electric, exciting, and...... energizing. Had we not arrived in the South Bay, that realization may never have happened.

Logan and I spent another half day at Dockweiler Beach, as he competed on the Redondo Beach team; having his sis along was a treat:) Their team had a very successful day as we are midway through this season now, and one full year on the beach as a player under his belt.... or boardshorts 

This 17 year old's schedule primarily consists of training, conditioning, beach play, schoolwork, and an occasional video game. Not the norm. Driving is at a minimum until age 18 for a variety of reasons I won't bore you with, but the lifestyle is so different anyway. Waiting to drive around here is not a big deal...........

Perhaps I'm used to a faster paced lifestyle than the norm, but most days I get more thrills out of managing my rentals than making lunch plans. I know a few were concerned that being in SoCal would "change" me, but not a chance. If there are any differences, they are for the better... I am more determined than ever...........

I'm not for living in the past but I am drawing strength from my memories. If you can't feel, what's the point..... memories aren't just about the past, they can change your future. A few thoughts I have from lines in the movie "The Giver", I saw last night with my 3 kids, a rare occurrence.

I came away, knowing what I must do next.................. Cross Over.

Facades, Finesse, and Feelings.

Funny the facade anyone can portray at any given time, through pics and purposeful words. I think for some, it comes natural; for others, there is a finesse. I've purposely never been good at it.......... and now, intentionally so. Let's be real.

I'll share a text with you that took place between one of my children and myself today............ and a window into the soul of this state:

"I feel numb and hardened here...... by the move and all the work I've handled, people I've met; it takes a conscious effort for me to feel.........." 
"You can't put feeling into most anyone or anything here without getting hurt so you just learn not to feel. The things and ones you really love bring it back......"

Tonight Logan signed the Letter of Commitment required by Southern Cal VB Association to play for the club, Manhattan Beach Surf or "MB Surf." With this move, come hard changes; his former team and parents made magic together. A few lifelong friends for Logan. We now see what lies ahead..........

September is a month of transition for me, as I move from my summer of finding and focusing on myself, to incorporating those freedoms into my everyday life. I even bought an exercise ball and band to use at home for my core:) Most of all, it's my mental game that's being strengthened........

As I pursue a writing career, more changes, disciplines and adjustments will be happening. I will keep you posted on the progress of my blog. The plans to expand the network is well underway. No matter the pressures, I am not giving up........digging my heels in yet again.

I know we now hug a bit harder, hold on a little longer, and love a lot larger now, and in our future, and as we find those we are meant to "love." 
Sharing a song with you tonight that speaks to my heart... now. Click the link and listen. Goodnight.

Time for new beginnings.

After a full year here, looks like we are back at "Square One".... Coldplay. It's a very good thing.......... a time of new beginnings.

There's a little piece of my heart I leave with each person, place or thing that has touched me or I have had the privilege of touching in the last few years, since my loss. I think I have learned to give more of myself away in each instance, rather than holding it back or withholding............

Because of my pain suffered, or your own perhaps, there is often justification for self protection. I, however, seem to have gone the opposite direction, even in the land of vanity and insanity. In all the lessons learned, I choose to "pour out my life as an offering......"

It is a conscious choice made to keep myself open, when the harsh reality of living here in particular, could turn my heart hard as stone. No joke. There is an apathy or indifference some would call "being laid back," but I know better. Passivity in its more perfect form.

After a weekend filled with VB tryouts, in a land where it is big business, we have made a decision....... we know where Logan will be playing in his second club season here. We know what we need to do. More details to come.

Jordan biked his way around Lake Tahoe and shared a few pics with me; he knows it's something his dad would've loved to try:) I guess we all have the same sense of adventure, go for it mentality, that kept him on the move throughout his life:) There will always be reasons and excuses NOT to do something........

My daughter looked very official at tryouts today as part of the Evolution Boys VB Club coaching staff for the upcoming season:) I'm very glad she's making inroads with good people and handsome guys, lol.

Time for a fresh start.

Refined by fire.

Whenever a dream is dreamed or a vision unfolds, there is always an "enemy" that will challenge it. Whatever the "enemy" is, I find it is usually connected to feeling a lack of something....... time, money, confidence, commitment, or faith. The list is unending.

Relating to a vision or dream, there WILL be a testing period, to see the level or lengths you will go to, to make things happen. There is a fine line to making things happen myself and/or trusting in the goodness of God. Even though I do everything I can do to be found faithful and to do my part, I have found His favor to be far better.......

Today Jordan and company headed to Lake Tahoe, to participate in a bike ride, at least 50 miles. His company pays for his participation in the trip as a "health benefit." My skinny Jordan is becoming quite buff:) He'll be back to work early next week; it's a quick trip.

Chynna's Vista Mar Girls JV team won their first match of the season Friday night, and she was very pleased:) Her hopes of giving private VB lessons and personal training continues to grow. Today she took Janelle Turner paddle boarding for the first time since moving here:)

We are thrilled that Austin finally has a bed and he was able to deflate the air mattress. It's actually a queen size with box spring he found out for trash, but in great condition:) Little by little, the styrofoam coolers he was using have been moved out of his BR. Now, I'm using them for storage....

Logan and I are being schooled in the Southern CA Club VB scene, second year in. It's kind of like a meat market, depending what club tryout you're at. You can feel the vibe and it's rough. Logan's maturity level allows him to handle the process well. He's had several offers come in from clubs he's only dreamt of playing with when living back east....................

The tests we've been through reveal character, cockiness, confidence or criteria; the internal is always revealed externally. I'm told there is a "goodness" we have brought to SoCal...... I know that cannot and will not change........ no matter the present culture.

Your support and love means the world to me; I don't know if I can truly convey how much you help get me through and motivate me...... Honest to God, I would never be able to do this. We have big plans and my ideas continue to flow......

It's time to get some new plans and make it happen......

Set your sights high.

Wow, it seems night after night, I could give you an update that would surprise even those who are not easily shocked. My prayer is to remain closely aligned with the will of God, no matter where it takes me...........

You may think you you have yourself figured out or know yourself pretty well, but it isn't until you are placed in a unique situation..... taken out of your normal life, in order to figure out what is at your core. Influences try to shake it, take it, and make it into something you are not meant to be.......

My youngest has said of our hometown back east, that "yes, there are things happening that aren't good, relating to drugs, problems, and stuff, but they are far worse here....." His perspective is full of wisdom.

He and I are not glorifying the past but become more and more grateful everyday for where we have come from. It seems that what he and I share, the mission that is meant for us in this current season of life, is purifying, refining, and changing what we are made of......... God help us survive it.

It is so tough for some people to put themselves in another's shoes, or even care to try. This type of care and concern is usually met with suspicion or laissez faire attitude in the west. There are no "problems" here.

I'm off tonight to LA with Logan, VB related; I barely have time to eat, drink, and get everything done in a day's time and I only have a small apartment?! With no lawn and little to take care of, many seem to live the lifestyle they want and dramatize it all.

C.S. Lewis wrote, “Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.”

Dare you to move.

Remaining true to who I am, at my core, is proving to be some of the hardest and most diligent work I have ever done. Just as the land is dried out, even more so the heart and character of its inhabitants here ........ there is neither. And that my friend Dave, makes me angry...... people think this is normal.

No matter where one turns, there is a person who will speak pleasant words to your face, and proceed to stab you in the back. There is no love lost here; no trust established anywhere, and nothing substantial to put your faith in........ but can these "dry bones live again?" We will see.........

Fortunately, we are sensitive to the leading of the will of the Lord in heaven, and follow it as best we can. On this 4th day of Sept, 34 months after our loss, our faith lies squarely in the One who will not go back on His word, nor break faith or trust with us........ we have substance to hold onto.

My core is strong and this poisonous experience will not change who we are on the inside. If anything, it will make us just a little bit better:) After all, VB is therapy; it is not LIFE. We continue to be an enigma.

Club VB tryouts have begun, starting tonight and going through the weekend. Second year in, it's a whole new animal. I'm so impressed with my youngest, fiercely competitive and facing guys on the opposing team one day, but embracing each as fellow teammates the next. It is an amazing testament to his character and adults could take a serious lesson.

I continue to work out practical routines with Austin, as he's in full swing at El Camino Community College. He's chosen to set VB aside to focus on studies and soccer perhaps. He's trying to "find himself", while looking for a second job and searching for scholarships. So much responsibility falls to me........

Logan and i regularly talk about the atmosphere here, the desire for "refreshing" in this very dry climate, and the options we continue to have. We're in it together; neither of us are going to give up..... yet.

"I Dare You To Move." Switchfoot lyrics

Vanity or Valor.

Coming into an area and state that seems to "have it all," one would not expect there to be so many needs. The "needy" are not always the impoverished and in the streets.................

As challenging as it is, I've chosen to immerse myself in the culture, to learn and become "educated" in the culture. A certain portrayal of a lifestyle is on daily display; beauty, butt cheeks, cracks, bosoms, and vain imaginations are all exposed to me, and much more. I learn from lifestyles.

King Naaman, from ancient days, was afflicted with leprosy and was sent to a certain prophet for guidance on how to get rid of it. He was told to go nearby into the Jordan River and dip himself in the water; there he would find what he needed at the time to help.

He wrestled with this concept, wondering how he could possibly benefit from this experience..... this idea was beyond his comprehension; how could something good come from a dirty, unfamiliar place. 
What he had to do ultimately, was to "immerse" himself in a place that was so unlike who he was........ but that place contained what he needed to prosper. We are doing the same. God help us.

After some shake ups, Austin is finally starting at the local community college tomorrow! His schedule will be full with school and working 1-2 jobs, and club VB. He now bikes everywhere because of our 2 car situation and is not an easy thing in this setting since we're not in a city.

Another weekend of beach VB keeps me sane, quite honestly. Logan and partner went 2-2, continuing to improve. Lots to think about going forward.... new strategies and plans to put in place to get where he wants to go. It's time to dig in deeper. School begins Wednesday for him.

There are shakes and quakes all around the globe, with quite a few happening here in California. Perhaps there are some things that need a bit of shaking up.
Let everything that can be shaken loose, be. It is then that we find out what we are really made of. Vanity or Valor.

Connections.

Here I am, almost 3 years into this journey of loss in my life, and I am constantly learning.... about myself and my capabilities. There was a time not so long ago, I wondered what my talents were, and if I had any........ my husband seemed to have every single one.

I knew I was a great VB player;) but beyond that, I couldn't see much else, so I dedicated myself to the sport. Along came my babies and I enjoyed every minute of that time, for the most part, lol:) The roles I played seem to define me, even when I wrestled internally. Some I embraced, while in others, I evolved.

Had I decided at any moment to accept the role I played, without feeling like life had any more of a future to offer me, I would be in serious trouble right now. Never stop dreaming, expecting and believing you are equipped to do what you are purposed and being prepared to do....... life is just beginning at any moment......

I am seriously wondering what property management and real estate has to offer me, as my venture in this area continues to grow. I have great tenants because I foster relationships; connections mean something to me. I find most do not want to leave...... and I used to think it was because of my late husband, but now...... it's actually all me.

I've had some plumbing issues at one property that has been a hassle; an underground water line needed to be replaced and there's more to do. PA panic is what I call it, while LA is laid back; I'm finding a balance:) With good counsel and help from my family, I am figuring out how to handle issues that come up. My side of the family has been taxed by helping me.

When plumbing needs to be replaced, I know that God is giving me a message:) This time it relates to "connections," "fittings", and finding a good "flow." There's always work to maintain something that hasn't been updated in many years, but when it goes bad, it's crisis mode. Crisis is the worst to be in. I have found no one thinks straight, without the spirit of God.......... and even then it's questionable.

I'm finding people connect and respond to integrity, honesty, and understanding. Somehow I want to continue to give it out, even if I'm not getting it in L.A. County. This online community is one that will continue to expand, grow and keep connections strong.

Whoever wants a "home" will find it with me, with us.............