Suffering in silence.

When my kids were younger it was easier to take care of things for them. I was often exhausted but there seemed less to be concerned about. Life was simpler then, which I would not have believed at the time. We always had so much going on like most families, but fit in the most important stuff.

As they've had to grow up and become responsible more quickly than most, I know so much has been asked of each of them. That's not always the easiest thing for a mother to accept. From the outside, it may seem pretty simple: just work hard. On the inside, it is another story.

I would rather not have them be concerned with the things that concern me, but we are forced into team mode. It is an adjustment on many levels to live life when your dad is not around and do things for yourself, because you have too. There are plays, skills, and training required.

Learning to be part of a team is also an adjustment because it is much easier to be responsible solely for yourself and your own things. Independence is sought after, but this season in life does not lend itself to anything other than depending on each other........... that does get old......

After cleaning my rental and meeting the prospective new tenant, I headed home to begin my own housework this Saturday. Thankfully we had a team effort today, as schedules coordinated and we knocked out another load of stuff to complete as we get the house in order.
And thanks to my neighbor Bill for helping us mow again, saying he doesn't want to "see me suffer", LOL. All he asks for is our friendship........

Jordan was a weedwacking machine and took on my place and Bill's, while Austin works double shifts many days. He seems to have found his "destiny", with sales work calling his name smile emoticon Anyone who knows Austin's personality can see how this could be true grin emoticon

As I receive feedback from my "FB friends" for my posts, I feel as if I am a voice for the multitudes who do desire to be free but are not sure how to find it. I know that I have found a form of it and I'm not going to lose it; L.A. reinforced that for me................

Wishing forms of freedom and happiness to all my female friends this weekend.

Big breakthrough.

Some times are tougher than others and I find this happens just before a big breakthrough. Practically speaking, this looks like a two year old garage door opener quitting, a new ice maker not working, to a bruised ankle, and the list goes on. Stuff happens that doesn't make sense.

You push forward only to be met with discouragement that tries to create doubts. I am determined however, not to entertain or play host because I know those doubts create instability. Since returning from L.A., I am all about increased stabilization......... because there is a shifting........

For me, this means I am asking questions about what brings the instability versus how I feel secured. Problem is, if/when I find the answers, I need to be willing to act. This will require even more strength and courage from me.

In the last two years of transition, I am learning more about my feminine self as opposed to who I was in marriage. My dating life began 18 months after death, and I felt ready. For some it is sooner; others it takes a longer period. I do know I am a bit fearful though......... which I'd rather not admit.

Last night Logan's HS VB team could not overcome Wilson and were knocked out of Counties in Quarterfinals. Unfortunately, Logan was not able to play because of his ankle injury, but, he IS on the mend and will be ready for District playoffs. 
There was a large crowd that came out and he was mentioned as "one to watch" in our local paper. It was tough for me to see this play out but I did remain positive throughout the process though.

I took today to run the massive amount of errands on my list as they built up throughout the week. I made another trip to Lowe's for a few rental items, but I am happy to say I believe we are winding down, thanks to Jordan's help. Slowly but surely, we are catching up on things left go.

I think my new motto is "do what makes you happy" and I should post stickers everywhere to remind myself. I have come a long way but have further to go in the relationship arena. That is somewhat uncharted territory for me:/

I am so blessed by great girlfriends, my mom, and good, loving friends who continue to lift me up. Thanks...........

Reclaim your life.

Investing in myself is an issue that I keep coming back to, as many demands pull at me daily, even if just the leftover emotions of loss. In CA, the market is saturated with ways to focus on nothing but yourself. Here in the east, not quite the same. We focus on others and reminding.......

As my daughter develops her business plans and grows her training sessions, I am very impressed as she gains new clients. I am far more aware of the importance of taking care of myself since their dad is no longer here. I don't want them to be alone because of my neglect........

For a two week period a month ago, I had a neckache that didn't let up. I had pain in the movement but pushed through, figuring it was stress related. Over time though, I knew something was out of alignment......... when one part of the body is strained, a lot of other things are in jeopardy.

This spoke to me on a higher level as there were issues in my life needing alignment as well. I have been in the process of reclamation since my return and this has brought great stress upon us, but we are coming to the end of the sacrifice. i am seeing my way more clearly now; confusion has cleared up.........

Reclamation has to do with restoring something back to a former, better state, whether real estate, relationships, the soul or the spirit. As I painted a bathroom at my rental today, I was thinking about all the painting I've done since my return. Restoration. Reclamation. Refreshing. Revival.

Tonight the boys team beat Daniel Boone in 3 games of their season scrimmage. We are going into the second half of the high school season already. The weekend was very rewarding for my youngest, who received much recognition from other area coaches.

With hard work our fish pond and gardens will come together, out with the dead and in with the new. Thanks to my dad, brother, and John who have all helped get my mowers going and ready for the season. It takes a caring community to continue to aid in the recovery.......

My faith has grown exponentially in the last 2 years; it is hard to put into words. I hope my actions speak even louder.............

You too can reclaim the life you feel you have lost.

Big Benefits.

In relationships of all kinds, it takes an ability to adapt, a willingness to understand each other, and a heart very forgiving, to forge ahead. Some are so easily expendable, which I experienced in L.A. And then there are the ones that cannot be explained..........

In the almost two year period I transitioned, many hassles arose in which I had the option of abdicating my position (giving up) or rise to the occasion (finding strength). At times, decisions were made with tears and travail, but I made them because I do not do well in limbo.........

Perhaps the feeling comes from the loss, the limbo between life and death, the knowing and not knowing, it's a place I strongly dislike. For me, it's made me more forthright, fearless, and unafraid to make mistakes. I know time should not be wasted......... there is so much to do..... and be:)

After informing my kids we'll need to buy two beds, we discussed strapping a mattress to the roof of our cars and traveling cross country. That would be an adventure but one of the boys nixed the idea, LOL. The countdown to my L.A. flight is on, as I look forward to reuniting in the west.

Today's snow day was a big benefit for us, as my 17 year old son and I were ripping out carpeting and painting in a rental for five hours. I seriously can't believe what the days consists of, working with our hands......... rather than playing hard. 
Tomorrow we're traveling to checkout a few colleges and take in a volleyball game. I'll be navigating New Jersey on my own:/

In addition to reactivating my real estate license, I have the opportunity to work a part time job to bring in a regular income. Rarely can you find a place hiring FT these days, as to avoid paying benefits. I will start working again as soon as I return from L.A. I can never stay still..........

My book is prepared for a publisher. My family is returning. My business is keeping me very busy and will only increase in a good way. Not sure where my personal life is headed, but I am holding onto the promise...... of restoration.

"Your beginnings will seem VERY humble, so prosperous shall your future be." Job 8:7

Reminding myself tonight.

Snowball effect.

Logan and I returned from the Capital after a night at a high performance tryout in VB, and today's play. This trip has served as a reminder of how some things have changed in a two year period and some things have not. The lack of positive progression startles me.......

When we do things the way they've always done, we limit ourselves and the potential we can achieve, whether in sports, arts, faith, or the future. This is why parts of the East Coast get a bad rap. We don't have to be stuck or stagnant; but we do require flexibility.

I see I am now at a time in my life at age 46, when I will need to retrain myself and how I've learned to live. When sharing a 1-2 BR apt, with few supplies and basic necessities in the L.A. area, anything more than that feels like a luxury. I never stop learning or listening........ or growing.

Even after 3+ years, I can still feel those emotions of being overwhelmed; this can give way to anger and to the temptation towards self pity. I know I can't go to that place or even entertain those thoughts for long because they snowball; however, it is very real. 
Particularly when you don't have a say in the "separation....."

Logan and I came home to an empty house tonight since the move was completed today. My sister and her family can now begin the next phase of their life together, as they continue to recover from their own personal loss. I'll take some time this next week to see what I have left.

Jordan has begun the first of his farewells to friends in SF, reminding him of the great times he's had and friends he's made. I am so thrilled to know his adventures have only begun because of the opportunities taken. He is returning a man, which he has kinda reminded me of on occasion:)

There will be learning curves as we come back under one roof for the time being. My youngest has admitted he'd like his siblings around more often, so I'll be very glad to see that happen. It is a time of the exodus for us, but also a time of returning to the roots of who we are.

I have learned to cherish and appreciate all time spent together and plan for it even more. We take so many things for granted and mope and groan to much when we should just get up and do something that make the changes necessary to live life again.

I speak from experience, almost every single day........

Desperate in L.A.

Well, it's finally official: my baby got his Pennsylvania driver's license today! My life will suddenly shift again.........

In SoCal it wasn't such a big deal; kids aren't overtly anxious to drive for many reasons, and the parents I knew never seemed overly concerned. Here, we can afford a few cars, the gas to go in them, and typically a space to park them grin emoticon

Logan is extremely excited to have some more independence, but I did remind him that I still need him, LOL. In the course of a few weeks, life as we have all known it, will again shift into high gear. With my sister and her family moving in their new place, I will be starting over to a certain extent...

Chynna is busy in SoCal, selling the few pieces of furniture we retain there, while I begin unpacking shipped boxes early next week. Until i dig things out of the cold attic, the house will feel a bit empty, but I've learned to live out of boxes and have a few things out of place for a while.............. 
We have all learned so much in our lessons from the west.

Jordan sold his trunk last night, the faithful friend that held his life history for the past two years. He literally had almost everything he owned contained in that one place.... stories could be told of the moves they made together, LOL. The woman making the purchase felt it was a sign confirming her new adventure........... Imagine that.

Today was Austin's last day of restaurant work and he has begun the online application back here. He is heading to Oakland, CA and onto Sonoma, to meet with a few good friends he's made. It's one of his first big solo trips, a flight and then a bus, which will be good for him. I'm praying grin emoticon

As for me, I am following through on my self imposed deadline of book revising with my goal of finishing up this weekend in place. I look to be on track and then it's off to a publishing house! These are all big steps in an even bigger plan that I have set my sights upon. "All steps forward."

Desperation can be used as motivation or serve as a distraction. I guess L.A. brought out a bit of desperation in my soul, searching for more than I know, and learning I can always be more than I think. The same is true for you. Think small, see battles. Dream big, see better. I am pushing more than ever.......

I have learned there are options in life and there are always choices that keep us limited or living life. There may be one first step that needs to be made but that first step may get you to the next, and the next, and then a path becomes more clear.

I never have the full picture, but pieces that fit together.........

Goodnight Dreamers.

True to myself.

Being true to myself can be an uphill climb.

Just when I think I've reached a place to stop and "rest," I look around and see where I am. It pushes me to keep moving. 
That one step is only temporary and affords few comforts, with little to hold onto; I guess it pushes me to climb higher.................

I find I get tired and want to "settle." Simply because I wish for it to happen, does not mean it has happened, and I push myself a little further. Everything within my soul wants to settle but it does not seem like that kind of season in my life so far.

As I contemplate another road trip which will bring us all back home, I really can't imagine making the journey again. The thing getting me through is the adventure it will be with 3 of my 4 kids. Can't believe I've crossed the country more times in two years than my whole life..........

There's a kind of promised preservation that has come for me through my faith, at least that's how I look at it. I can't always explain it, but I know it. I feel it. I see it. It can be very easily undermined if it isn't protected and I've learned to be vigilant.

My youngest challenges me all the time, not with his words, but his actions. He chooses his battles wisely and counts the costs of his choices. His temperament is a true test of his character, which has always been tested like few others. I am blessed to be part of his life.......

One thing I am counting on is that more fun will return to my life, as the drive from L.A. will begin in 20 days. My kids will remind me to be true to myself, what matters, and my convictions. Imagine, kids challenging their parents. I wonder how many of us actually listen when that happens........

Goodnight. .

A window in time.

As I get older and gain more life experience it seems I become a bit more particular with whose company I keep. In years prior, I had a need to please but that too, seems to have died over 3 years ago............... It is okay to be choosy.

Whether economic, of essentials, or everything precious, the "darkness" associated with loss seeks to take up residency in our lives. When this happens, I simply press a little bit more into the heavens....... to hear His plan. The impossible can be provided........... through Light.

I am trusting the Lord on levels I have not had to before. I feel I'm being "led to lead" and L.A. was simply another education for me. Coming back east has been empowering and I needed to be back for several reasons, business and personal. The kids, while there, are preparing for home......

In some ways I may sound naive, but I am quite the contrary. I have an innocence, the kind that the enemy of my soul, has sought to steal from me. The kind of childlike faith that allows me to believe for big things to happen. I have fought to hold onto this courage without compromise.......

Our household is filled with motion and good commotion these days as the Godshalls, Logan, and I are sharing our home. We have supported each other throughout times of despair and discouragement, only to see the light at the end of the tunnel coming.........

Work continues on a rental a tenant abandoned on me, but it is always amazing to see the work of restoration being done..... on more than just the physical home. The potential to see the restoration of lives is at the core of who I am.......... and it has manifested through real estate.

I may have a new venture coming in the industry as I ponder my future, personally and as a business woman. The plan for me is to write and look into publishing in the very near days to come. I have a window of opportunity and a self imposed deadline.........

Take time to nourish your soul with truth and light, as darkness is all around us and seeks to occupy our minds. We cannot afford to sit in confusion. 
Nothing is impossible.

Together Time.

It's official - Logan is back at Brandywine, after a two hour delay this morning, lol. It was kinda weird not to have a snow day while in Cali, no sudden change of plans or schedules that need adjusting. I think we learn a bit of flexibility here, and if not, we should:)

He rode to school with Dillon and as they walked in, all eyes were on them. It was a wonderful homecoming and thanks to the personal touch of teachers and friends who really celebrate the return. There are some connections that are not easily broken.................

As I revisited our family doctor, I was also able to express my appreciation to my family doctor who we've known for 20+ years. The personal care and attention I've received over many years and difficult days is not something I found in L.A. You can't fix anything with appearances only......

When incredible personal pain is felt, it is very natural to lash out at loved ones and burn bridges in moments of haste. Whether for self protection, self preservation, or for one's mental health, fractures happen. There may be seasons to separate, or a time to be together; either way, you have to know what actions are healthy and not done hastily. Give it some time.

My family and I are spending "together time", as Logan and I have moved back into our home in Fleetwood with the Godshalls. My house is of adequate size to hold us all for the time being and it's fun for me to be part of the kids' lives:) All things will work together for good.........

Some of us have had to put our "faith into action" which means my faith has to be fluid, moving, and active. I've had to do something with it, not simply sit in stagnancy. This kind of faith contains substance; it is not superficial. There is backing behind it, strength to support it. It is substantial.

My 9 year old niece Miah Godshall is having her third surgery tomorrow on her cleft palate at CHOP. In an effort to show extra kindness to her and her family, I am asking you to consider sending her a card. I would love to see her smile in the midst of her trial. Thanks for considering it:)

Miss Miah Godshall, 47 Deysher Road, Fleetwood, PA 19522.