Learn to live.

The month of May has been quite amazing; it has moved so quickly and I have my foot on the accelerator, so to speak. As i hear of graduation plans coming up next week, I am glad to have one more year at home with my youngest:)

Jordan's been organizing pictures and working on updating my blog, in order to expand it and for readers to access it more easily. As he pulls up pictures of each of us in the last 7 years, the change is startling. I don't even recognize myself........... and the kids have all grown. Their dad would be proud.....

My youngest has lost some time in learning practical things without him here, and because of our LA lifestyle. We are going to make sure he is equipped as best we can to take on tasks. Austin is able to figure some stuff out, having had his dad around a bit longer. Chynna is just plain resourceful, and Jordan is pretty much a genius, ha ha. Trying to learn from each other.

I actually impressed Jordan today, as I push to get the painting job done in my office. My goal is to finish up tomorrow night and move back in early next week! I will be starting fresh, transforming it from the former shared work space for our business, into finally, what will be all my own..............

Goals are good; plans are purposeful; however, they can get in the way of spontaneity, creativity, and actually living. There are so many people who plot out their future course, stick to it, and do not veer off of it. Even at young ages, adventure takes a back seat to too much practicality sometimes. 
We need to live a little bit more, and learn to enjoy it........

"With joy, I will draw water......" Isaiah 12:3

Frozen.

It was Logan and me, working together again, LOl. While we're shoveling, the other kids are shipping stuff, and trading pics of snow versus sand. It was an adventure to get out for gas to run the snowblower, which Logan handled well.

We moved me into my master bedroom and bath today, which gave me a bit of anxiety....... going back into a room I desperately want to renovate, mostly due to memories. Acclimating and assessing needs takes time we do not have because we have to adapt quickly, as is life for many.

It seems we will need two beds as soon as possible, or else someone's going to be sleeping on the floor again and it won't be Logan this time! We made headway in the attic, clearing a path, and seeing mostly items of sentiment up there:) It's nice to be back home.

My kids may each want to pursue their own possibilities which has happened over a period of time, but for now, they know they need to return. Their mother cannot keep up this current schedule and responsibilities on my own. I never have "down time", as I learn to deal with so many demands.

This lifestyle does not make room for a lot of "lovin" which causes a lack of patience by others:/ I am taking the path of David, the psalmist and King, who spoke to his own soul; the seat of his emotions. Much like he did, I must build myself up daily, when the onslaught of "how's" or "why's" come into question.

I had no idea how the two of us were going to get our driveway taken care of, but together we did it. It took a spirit of adventure to do so, but we risked it. David, who was just a young shepherd, had the calling to kingship and made sure to keep his soul aligned with his purpose. 
The uncertainties can't always be my problem; I just have to cooperate with a God who can make things happen........ and in a hurry.

Keeping it real in snow covered southeastern PA.

All in.

When recovering from a loss in life, it is so very natural to link anything else that feels like a loss to that former suffering. Even if one has moved on, that pain can linger, hidden deep within the seat of our souls. The only way I have found to find freedom from it, is to allow it to be exposed........

That kind of exposure is super uncomfortable, mostly because we are afraid we will find we have to make a change. That pain can become all too familiar; it becomes easier to nurture our wounds and tell ourselves lies, so as to not deal with reality. Sometimes a big dose of reality is what is absolutely needed to shake us beyond our suffering..........

My time today was very cathartic, as I hung out in my home, waiting for an appliance delivery. It gave me a chance to begin to change things up inside, pulling out decor that had been stored and take stock of what is left. I moved around furniture on my own and it was fun;)

The kids and I have a lot of plans to open up our home once again to family and friends....... and we will plan accordingly. Living in L.A. showed all of us what we need, want, and are responsible for. We have learned to live with little or much. Either way, life is about more than just "me....."

When given much or given little, it's all in the way it's handled and it is all in our hands. I will be expanding on these thoughts and more in the coming days on my newly revamped blog, almost ready to be released!

Jordan will be working remotely for his current company BAM, out of SF, when he returns to the east. He will now be "freelancing" officially, with a contract worked out with them. It is a blessing for him to return with this piece in place:) And it's only the beginning........

Logan and I again worked together to get the new dryer hooked up because the delivery guy failed to do so. Who knew the first time I would need to put a clamp thingy on to seal the dryer vent, it would be in my 40's and with Log's help?! 
We later searched through our basement shelves for supplies to work at a rental I have opening shortly. I plan to be there on my own this week to get started on the project, with Logan helping when he can. Talk about a new adventure....... Lord help us.

When I make a move based out of my "faith", if I have any doubts about it, the purpose of the plan is doomed. I have to be fully persuaded which is the meaning behind the word "faith." Fully convinced. If not, I leave myself wide open, and my wounds totally unable to heal.........

I am all in.

Snowball effect.

Logan and I returned from the Capital after a night at a high performance tryout in VB, and today's play. This trip has served as a reminder of how some things have changed in a two year period and some things have not. The lack of positive progression startles me.......

When we do things the way they've always done, we limit ourselves and the potential we can achieve, whether in sports, arts, faith, or the future. This is why parts of the East Coast get a bad rap. We don't have to be stuck or stagnant; but we do require flexibility.

I see I am now at a time in my life at age 46, when I will need to retrain myself and how I've learned to live. When sharing a 1-2 BR apt, with few supplies and basic necessities in the L.A. area, anything more than that feels like a luxury. I never stop learning or listening........ or growing.

Even after 3+ years, I can still feel those emotions of being overwhelmed; this can give way to anger and to the temptation towards self pity. I know I can't go to that place or even entertain those thoughts for long because they snowball; however, it is very real. 
Particularly when you don't have a say in the "separation....."

Logan and I came home to an empty house tonight since the move was completed today. My sister and her family can now begin the next phase of their life together, as they continue to recover from their own personal loss. I'll take some time this next week to see what I have left.

Jordan has begun the first of his farewells to friends in SF, reminding him of the great times he's had and friends he's made. I am so thrilled to know his adventures have only begun because of the opportunities taken. He is returning a man, which he has kinda reminded me of on occasion:)

There will be learning curves as we come back under one roof for the time being. My youngest has admitted he'd like his siblings around more often, so I'll be very glad to see that happen. It is a time of the exodus for us, but also a time of returning to the roots of who we are.

I have learned to cherish and appreciate all time spent together and plan for it even more. We take so many things for granted and mope and groan to much when we should just get up and do something that make the changes necessary to live life again.

I speak from experience, almost every single day........