Learning to feel again.

Instability can come about through current economic conditions, future predictions, divorce, and devastation left behind by another's departure. There seems to be no time to 'plan ahead" because there's always enough in keeping up with the present. I am making the shift..............

After two months home, we are feeling settled back east; even my San Franciscan son, Jordan. His time in the city will always be a part of his DNA going forward, and in reflecting upon his time there, it was a freaking adventure. His landlord stories alone are basically nightmares, LOL.
I am glad he stayed safe among the mentally unstable.

As we come and go, with each on our own schedules, I think we're learning to function as a team a bit better. From digging the holes, to mowing the lawn, to spackling my home office, the conversation has evolved from an "I don't have time" mentality to "let's get it done."

Kids often take up the ambition they see in their parents, and I know the fact that I don't let up speaks to my own offspring. I sometimes feel like I'm a workaholic, but I refuse to take on that role. I tell myself I'm doing what is necessary and I don't have any other option. I would love if someone would say, "let me do that for you"... but I am getting stronger.

I know many of you wonder if the kids really wanted to leave the L.A. area and California in general to come back to PA. I can honestly say yes, absolutely. There is no doubt in our minds how much the culture can impact a person's psyche and soul, and is one that left us dried out, deadened, ......... and hardened.

The dating scene offered no viable options in the state of CA, as we found so many phonies, fanatics, and fruitcakes unfortunately. "Being here warms my heart and it's not just about feeling warmth, but feeling all of the emotions again," sentiments expressed by my 22 year old daughter.........

Having crossed this wonderful country of ours, in flight and on the ground, what my kids have come to realize is how GOOD we have it here.

Chynna's words ring true on this Memorial Day and should remind each of us to be grateful for those who give more than many could even imagine...... those who hurt, sacrifice, and suffer in silence.

"I shut so many out for so long so I wouldn't feel upset and disappointment. 
What they don't realize is how good it is here, if you don't leave, you don't know."

God Bless America.

A place in time and space.

Loss invokes an emotion, precipitates activity, inflames arguments or creates a close knit community...........

When losing a loved one, no matter the avenue or addiction, life can feel like an unending fight. It seems you've just stepped into a larger place in time and space......... where purpose exists. Perhaps it is time we inspire the young with the idea of being exceptional........... a belief many adults have forgotten about because life got in the way..........

Throughout my own crazy recovery, I go through periods of feeling down and throwing my dreams away. It takes everything I have got in me to hold them close to my heart. But that is what makes them worth so much to me.

And then there are those miraculous moments, when my courage soars. That rare gift, courage, must be nurtured and protected. It must be recognized in the young and urged to grow........... God knows we do not need more of the status quo.

I praised my kids as they grew, and continue to do so, for who they are and the gifts they have. However, I did not and will not shower them with untruths. Because a relationship was established long ago, I can tell each the "truth" but with an unending love......... and there is a connection. I long for each child to know this feeling.............

When I say it is a privilege to hang out with my nieces and nephews, and young people who give me the time of day, I mean it sincerely. I know how quickly life passes, the full circle and cycles we go through. No one is ever too far gone, too far from "saving."

Some days I really long for a "partner", as relationships have shifted for me since I'm back on the East Coast. Today I picked up a 12" concrete riser that weighs almost 200 lbs. for the septic system at my house. Thankfully the boys could unload it at home smile emoticon We are making progress.

I have learned so much in a few years, more than some in a lifetime.

I have learned to reach out........ I have learned to say I need help. I have learned to take counsel and advice; to know who to trust and who/what to trash. It is actually a beautiful process to witness.

And I am learning to trust myself more......... Nite.

Snowball effect.

Logan and I returned from the Capital after a night at a high performance tryout in VB, and today's play. This trip has served as a reminder of how some things have changed in a two year period and some things have not. The lack of positive progression startles me.......

When we do things the way they've always done, we limit ourselves and the potential we can achieve, whether in sports, arts, faith, or the future. This is why parts of the East Coast get a bad rap. We don't have to be stuck or stagnant; but we do require flexibility.

I see I am now at a time in my life at age 46, when I will need to retrain myself and how I've learned to live. When sharing a 1-2 BR apt, with few supplies and basic necessities in the L.A. area, anything more than that feels like a luxury. I never stop learning or listening........ or growing.

Even after 3+ years, I can still feel those emotions of being overwhelmed; this can give way to anger and to the temptation towards self pity. I know I can't go to that place or even entertain those thoughts for long because they snowball; however, it is very real. 
Particularly when you don't have a say in the "separation....."

Logan and I came home to an empty house tonight since the move was completed today. My sister and her family can now begin the next phase of their life together, as they continue to recover from their own personal loss. I'll take some time this next week to see what I have left.

Jordan has begun the first of his farewells to friends in SF, reminding him of the great times he's had and friends he's made. I am so thrilled to know his adventures have only begun because of the opportunities taken. He is returning a man, which he has kinda reminded me of on occasion:)

There will be learning curves as we come back under one roof for the time being. My youngest has admitted he'd like his siblings around more often, so I'll be very glad to see that happen. It is a time of the exodus for us, but also a time of returning to the roots of who we are.

I have learned to cherish and appreciate all time spent together and plan for it even more. We take so many things for granted and mope and groan to much when we should just get up and do something that make the changes necessary to live life again.

I speak from experience, almost every single day........

Determination and Drive.

For the past 3 weeks we have been home, there has been at least one school delay weekly. Getting the 5:30 a.m. call is not on my favorite things list; however, Logan's response of "YESSSS!" actually kind of makes it worth it:) He is already pushing me to call for his driver's exam:/

In this first month of the year, even with all the changes, I've jumped right back into living life. I used to think perhaps the 18 month period from May of 2009 to November of 2011, when we literally purchased and renovated 6 homes, was unlike any other time in our lives. Turns out, that was an understatement. We could only do it, because God was in it all.

To the natural eye, we probably looked like we were a bit nuts. Running a remodeling business full time, raising and running around with 4 kids, to maintaining a marriage and household pretty effectively, was not a disadvantage. We were not to feel defeated but elected and determined for our destiny..............

The word alone conjures up all kinds of magical images, fairytale endings, and hopeful happenings. This is all sounds idealistic; "destined for great things...." but it is honestly defined by determination, grit, and "guts over fear." Destiny is built on decisions........

Tomorrow I am making a trip to Quality Roofing to pick up 3 replacement windows for the same said rental home we are working at. I think that's a first for me, and I'm counting on help loading them:) Today I test drove a used vehicle my daughter will be driving when she returns from L.A.

I did the almost unthinkable and left my Ford Escape in Cali with Chynna, while Austin has the Toyota Corolla. I felt I would worry less knowing they were taken care of in this regard. Needless to say, I really like my car:/ I am somehow the one to make the most sacrifices, ha ha. How. Why.

Thanks to my parents for a loaner and always helping out as needed to work through this transition. And my partner John continues to embrace my adventurous side and the ideas I am passionate about. So much more is just around the corner........

Acceleration. Adventures. Options.

Accomplished and Adventurous.

Today was a good day with a familiar feel. Familiarity is okay unless I become too "comfortable" and my curiosity diminishes. I'm sure you know by now that is not the case for me grin emoticon

Since our return there is lots of activity, seen and unseen, set in motion. I get things moving. The time spent in SoCal socially starved me for a long season and the kids can identify as well. My curiosity of the culture kept me persevering and cultivating relationships however, because I never give up.

I found that planning lunch dates, coffee shop, computer work, walking on the beach and the whole "scene" is a bit too boring for me. I like to get my hands around something, as well as my brain, and get to work. Being idle is not inspiring.........

After getting great information Tuesday from the DMV in Harrisburg, PA, Logan and I headed to the local office to apply to renew his Pennsylvania driver's permit! Even though he's had a permit out west, nothing showed up in the system. PA however, remembered him and he was granted a renewal after almost 2 years! This means within a short amount of time, he can be a licensed driver:)

He has sacrificed this part of his life to head to SoCal. Little did we know the complicated process and expensive one to apply for a license there. Hindsight often reveals those details. 
I was also more than thrilled to be dealing with common sense people, who gave me accurate information and were on my side. I received HELP rather than hassles, as I have for almost two years. The east has so much going for us............. and I will continue to speak that truth:)

Following picking up his permit, we set foot in our local Home Depot to make a big purchase of flooring for a rental coming open. The tasks that were so tedious with my late husband I am now overseeing..... and I actually felt......... accomplished.

In the morning I spent over 3 hours working on my own at the rental home, cleaning and scrubbing, and doing the things that have made me........ me. 
All the years of doing the same thing, the right thing, faithfully and together, allow me to go it on my own and know what we need. My help remains in place but I am able to fully engage again.........

It took me leaving the familiar to find myself..... and my youngest has too.