Holding a heart.

Today is an extra special one, as we celebrate Logan's 18th birthday. It seems fitting that I share with you the privileged view I have as his mom, and now as a single one.

Logan was the last one born but always the loudest, and as a baby, he never left my side. He was my smallest in size, and is now the tallest of my kids. I thought he would "blend in" but he has always been a stand out. You could say we were inseparable, lol..........

Logan was ever the entertainer, and that's a side few get to see:) He's always been very athletic, adept, and conditioned. He's had his share of experiences in his life, which will be revealed over time. Needless to say, seeing where he has been to where he is now......... is a blessing.

At ages 16 and 17, he can say he has lived on both coasts which has allowed him to grow exponentially as a person, player, and in his purpose. He has a lot to discover in the years to come, but will remained grounded as he did through an uprooting of life as he knew it.........

His CA friends miss him and his friends from PA have been so welcoming and warm. He continues to carry himself with respect as he holds himself to high standards. I hope his voice can be heard, his lifestyle will speak, and his character will echo throughout his generation..........

As adults in my generation, we have screwed a lot of things up for our kids. We either shelter them from anything difficult or declare their resiliency and dump our troubles upon them. All I have wanted to do is to provide some sense of stability in a time when everything was uprooted.

Even if I am struggling for myself, I have always tried to give that to my son. It does require sacrifice; I am filling the voice of both parents in his life, but I cannot change those facts. For some, there are decisions to do that. For others, it just happens.

I am choosing to not to lose my head, in order to hold a heart.........

Happy Birthday Logan Tanner.

Learning to feel again.

Instability can come about through current economic conditions, future predictions, divorce, and devastation left behind by another's departure. There seems to be no time to 'plan ahead" because there's always enough in keeping up with the present. I am making the shift..............

After two months home, we are feeling settled back east; even my San Franciscan son, Jordan. His time in the city will always be a part of his DNA going forward, and in reflecting upon his time there, it was a freaking adventure. His landlord stories alone are basically nightmares, LOL.
I am glad he stayed safe among the mentally unstable.

As we come and go, with each on our own schedules, I think we're learning to function as a team a bit better. From digging the holes, to mowing the lawn, to spackling my home office, the conversation has evolved from an "I don't have time" mentality to "let's get it done."

Kids often take up the ambition they see in their parents, and I know the fact that I don't let up speaks to my own offspring. I sometimes feel like I'm a workaholic, but I refuse to take on that role. I tell myself I'm doing what is necessary and I don't have any other option. I would love if someone would say, "let me do that for you"... but I am getting stronger.

I know many of you wonder if the kids really wanted to leave the L.A. area and California in general to come back to PA. I can honestly say yes, absolutely. There is no doubt in our minds how much the culture can impact a person's psyche and soul, and is one that left us dried out, deadened, ......... and hardened.

The dating scene offered no viable options in the state of CA, as we found so many phonies, fanatics, and fruitcakes unfortunately. "Being here warms my heart and it's not just about feeling warmth, but feeling all of the emotions again," sentiments expressed by my 22 year old daughter.........

Having crossed this wonderful country of ours, in flight and on the ground, what my kids have come to realize is how GOOD we have it here.

Chynna's words ring true on this Memorial Day and should remind each of us to be grateful for those who give more than many could even imagine...... those who hurt, sacrifice, and suffer in silence.

"I shut so many out for so long so I wouldn't feel upset and disappointment. 
What they don't realize is how good it is here, if you don't leave, you don't know."

God Bless America.

It's okay to look back, briefly.

We've had a vast array of experiences since setting foot in Southern California, many of which I would not need to relive. But I do not regret things either, because I am a better person for it. Too many times I think we move through life trying to forget things we should remind ourselves of......

I'm told folks of all kinds flocked here 30+ years ago, to a place that held freedoms, fun, and futures..... the CA of yesteryear perhaps. It seems as a way of escaping everyday life, loss, and past loves, a "paradise" of sorts was created, yet the intrusion into personal lives, locally and on the state level is astounding. I could write a book, lol.

I honestly did not realize the amount of freedoms afforded on the East Coast. My eyes have been opened. We come from a land very unique; real estate is affordable and where dreams can be discovered.
An area where my sons can shoot basketball with friends for fun, have a pool party, throw football with family/friends, make some noise, listen to music, drive a car easily, and freely play with pets. Most important, you know who your "friends" are. and who you can call on........

Chynna has begun her online Personal Training course to become certified; this plan aligns nicely with her desires as a coach, player and for our purposes. She already has had a few "clients", lol. I told her she can continue to whip me into shape:)

Only two weeks after my core fitness class ended, I've done the workouts on my own, and seemed to have "hurt" myself ha ha. I'm the kind of person that needs a trainer! With a few minor injuries, I may be signing up for the next course, starting next week.

I set aside the time from May through September for a very specific purpose, and as I look back over these months, I can see pieces of our purpose unfolding. It's okay to reflect and look back on where you were to where you currently are; however, that doesn't mean the move ends.

I don't want to be a "pillar of salt", a "preservative" left in a pile that just 
sits there, as told in the story of Lot's wife.

This is only just the beginning......

Hope.

I find it's often in the times I feel the most squeezed, the most pressed, and pressured, when I struggle to keep clarity because my "vision" becomes clouded....... these are the moments in which my faith is worked out, as I wrestle with it..... question it and not be afraid of what I may find.

As I allow the "aging" process to occur, what is produced is a sweet smelling fragrance and a most powerful presence that empowers all around me......... it is very real. All of this, my faith, frailties, the frivolities, and fragility. But..... I am not afraid of it.

"The plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart, through all generations. He knew we would be here, in this place and walking this journey in life because "the eyes of the Lord are on those whose hope is in His unfailing love." Not His conditional love, but unfailing......

Tonight Logan is watching the USA vs Iran Volleyball Match at USC with friends. A special moment as his assistant coach for Rockstar, Alfee Reft, is the starting Libero this evening. He also met Reid Priddy, a name well known in the sport, and on the Olympic level. This is why we're here.....

I spent half the day, embracing the path I feel God is leading me for now. As I get "on board" with His plans, things begin to take off....... Fall will be very full, after this tumultuous summer that has brought a bit of disorder and destruction across the globe. Change is coming.

"May your unfailing love rest upon us O Lord, even as we put our hope in you....." on the East Coast, around the world, and especially here in CA.