Holding a heart.

Today is an extra special one, as we celebrate Logan's 18th birthday. It seems fitting that I share with you the privileged view I have as his mom, and now as a single one.

Logan was the last one born but always the loudest, and as a baby, he never left my side. He was my smallest in size, and is now the tallest of my kids. I thought he would "blend in" but he has always been a stand out. You could say we were inseparable, lol..........

Logan was ever the entertainer, and that's a side few get to see:) He's always been very athletic, adept, and conditioned. He's had his share of experiences in his life, which will be revealed over time. Needless to say, seeing where he has been to where he is now......... is a blessing.

At ages 16 and 17, he can say he has lived on both coasts which has allowed him to grow exponentially as a person, player, and in his purpose. He has a lot to discover in the years to come, but will remained grounded as he did through an uprooting of life as he knew it.........

His CA friends miss him and his friends from PA have been so welcoming and warm. He continues to carry himself with respect as he holds himself to high standards. I hope his voice can be heard, his lifestyle will speak, and his character will echo throughout his generation..........

As adults in my generation, we have screwed a lot of things up for our kids. We either shelter them from anything difficult or declare their resiliency and dump our troubles upon them. All I have wanted to do is to provide some sense of stability in a time when everything was uprooted.

Even if I am struggling for myself, I have always tried to give that to my son. It does require sacrifice; I am filling the voice of both parents in his life, but I cannot change those facts. For some, there are decisions to do that. For others, it just happens.

I am choosing to not to lose my head, in order to hold a heart.........

Happy Birthday Logan Tanner.

Commit and stick with.

Being a few days into this new year is often a make or break time that determines the level of commitment we maintain. Decisions made in weeks prior are put to the test and fortitude challenged. It is easy to talk about something but another to actually follow through.

I think I have been put through most every test possible in that regard. Having been in the L.A. scene, we very quickly learned a person's word means very little, except for a special few. I did not realize what life would look like on a daily basis without........ commitment.

My late husband seemed to drill into all of our heads and hearts, the importance of holding true to your word, After living in another locale, my kids and I have adopted the same mindset. It has become so very important that I do what I say I am going to do........ and hope the same of others.

In his transition week before school, Logan has gotten to work with my brother in law on a rental home I have. He's gone from a CA beach guy to rugged East Coaster again:) It's good to see him working with his hands and using his strength not only to compete. This is a welcome change......

So much feels as if it has been taken from me and I guess I am on my own "recovery mission." Most recently, several tenants think they can stiff me on monies I'm owed which is honestly appalling. I have never had such dealings and it makes me wonder if I can keep doing this.........

I would never give up but rather look at these times in life as a change, often precipitated by a series of events. Decisions we make, whether to work out, shape up, share things, or organize our lives, are often a result of dissatisfaction. That is not necessarily a bad thing.

Sticking to what I know to be true, decisions that may determine destinies, and taking the steps towards freedom in this new year, will help keep me aligned with refinement.

Refine - "improve by making small changes, or removing unwanted elements from life."

Gain.

Sometimes doing what is necessary for the sake of another has to be one of the toughest things ever undertaken. There's uncertainty in the letting go...... what lies ahead..... and of course, when free will is involved, the greater the risk and impact.................

Perhaps in losing my very personal and protected relationship of 25 years, I was jarred into a new reality.... and remedy for life. I now do not hesitate to embrace the change that needs to happen; I know I am not normal but hopefully helpful:)

As we enter our second school year in Redondo Beach, it's becoming apparent the sacrifices of the first, will prepare for the next. It's already shaping up to be a better year than last for Logan, and it's only the second day. He has learned so much.......... as have I.

I've been told by friends back home I should never play poker..... that's changed:) I know I need to be here to advance in many areas in my life, including business, personal, physical and most of all, mental. When taken out of your comfort zone, accelerated growth can happen, even in your 40's.

After our loss, I went from managing my household for 20+ years, into the workforce, in less than 5 months. Talk about change..... struggle...... and suffering, but I knew the time and opportunity were right. I had to go for it. I was given a position at a Prudential in southeastern PA and my new journey would begin.

There were times when tears were triggered, or emotions expressed in the office; I had so much to figure out and try to hold it all together...... I could've run away from the change, but I stayed. Because I did, I am only beginning to see those rewards.......

Sometimes you just have to go for it....... and ask yourself, what have you got to lose?

Rewards.

It's official. One year has now passed since Chynna, Logan, and myself ventured west to settle in this strange and unusual land. As I look back on the year, it is quite amazing on so many levels. After one year, I have a pretty good handle on how this territory operates.......

I can honestly say the good and bad have made their presence known, much like the parable of the wheat and the weeds in the book of Matthew. They grow together here and it is very difficult to see the difference between the two. It takes every ounce of strength to pull out the good....... but that, we must to focus on.

Tomorrow begins the HS beach season for Logan and team. As you may recall, he was fortunate enough to join the first ever beach league last year, after being here a week. This year, he's on the Varsity team, and ranked with his partner as top team for this week. That may change, but hope not 

My daughter, who struggled in the early weeks after settling, now has 3 positions coaching in the South Bay and is fast becoming a libero. She had to be willing to lay down her dream, her hopes for a future in the sport, much like Abraham was asked to do. God asked him to sacrifice the most beloved thing in his life, his son, his future; but, at the last minute, there was an alternative offered.

As Chynna began to embrace the potential sacrifice asked of her, the most important thing in her life, God intervened. He gave her back what she loved the most. I know how scary it is to be willing to die to your dreams and not know what is ahead. However, I've come to learn obedience is far better than sacrifice.

As one of my sons said today, we focus so much on the sacrifice and what may be asked, rather than thinking of the rewards to come. I'm not talking about eternal rewards, I'm speaking of meaning and "wealth" in this life that comes in various forms. This belief is why I do what I do.........

I have laid down many relationships, things I love, and don't want to do without but I am reaping the rewards...... and will have far more than I can imagine.