Gain.

Sometimes doing what is necessary for the sake of another has to be one of the toughest things ever undertaken. There's uncertainty in the letting go...... what lies ahead..... and of course, when free will is involved, the greater the risk and impact.................

Perhaps in losing my very personal and protected relationship of 25 years, I was jarred into a new reality.... and remedy for life. I now do not hesitate to embrace the change that needs to happen; I know I am not normal but hopefully helpful:)

As we enter our second school year in Redondo Beach, it's becoming apparent the sacrifices of the first, will prepare for the next. It's already shaping up to be a better year than last for Logan, and it's only the second day. He has learned so much.......... as have I.

I've been told by friends back home I should never play poker..... that's changed:) I know I need to be here to advance in many areas in my life, including business, personal, physical and most of all, mental. When taken out of your comfort zone, accelerated growth can happen, even in your 40's.

After our loss, I went from managing my household for 20+ years, into the workforce, in less than 5 months. Talk about change..... struggle...... and suffering, but I knew the time and opportunity were right. I had to go for it. I was given a position at a Prudential in southeastern PA and my new journey would begin.

There were times when tears were triggered, or emotions expressed in the office; I had so much to figure out and try to hold it all together...... I could've run away from the change, but I stayed. Because I did, I am only beginning to see those rewards.......

Sometimes you just have to go for it....... and ask yourself, what have you got to lose?

Unscripted.

I think in so many ways I'm like any other person who craves comfort and stability and wants to count on another person to provide it. After all, that's all I've ever known.........

When I was younger raising my kids, a part of me wanted structure and methods that would work so I wouldn't have to think. Just implement. That idea of control seemed to work for everyone else, but didn't quite work for me. I had to make it up as I went and trust my instincts were right:)

Finally talked with my oldest tonight, after going for well over a week or more without speaking. It usually begins late at night and ends far past my bedtime:/ We covered a wide variety of subjects in an hour's time! Politics, Religion, Dating, etc., etc.

One of our cats went missing tonight, after Logan parked the ATV inside. He used his flashlight on his phone to search for Schmoopie, as I listened from 3000 miles away:) Thankfully she found her way to the back but she won't be making the trip to Cali tomorrow. We decided one will come with the boys tomorrow; the other one in a week or so when a friend comes to visit:)

Logan and I talked about his return here tomorrow; more like I talked, he listened. He has had the best time home, reaffirming his friendships, faith, and life experiences. In spite of the "great weather" and "everything to love," we know there is more to life than this.

For now, he returns......... we all need reminding of our mission regularly. Still kind of making it up as I go along......... without a manual:)

Investment.

There have been many times I feel like I can't "afford" something, whether a physical object, emotional appeal, or simply time. A financial commitment is often required as well, evident in our quest to come west. Rather than dismiss an idea or let a dream die, I've decided to "invest" with my best.

In times past we didn't feel we had the time or money needed, and I still don't. It's even harder now but I knew Chynna and Logan had to get home and somehow, funds would be provided. I can't be stupid about things, but I have to take a risk........

I pitched in some; a piece of construction equipment that hadn't sold for months suddenly did, and surprise checks were sent or given. I had to commit first........ then I saw. As a result.... multiplication. Acceleration.

My daughter's coaching opportunities have doubled since returning to LA County:) Connections have deepened and continue to broaden, as I expand my sphere of influence. All the while needing more time and money, lol, but I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, and pray.

Logan's having the best time and is not looking forward to returning on Friday honestly. His wisdom is beyond his years and he can elaborate quite well on the lifestyle.
Fortunately, his friend Andrew and two kitties will be among his traveling companions back. That's right, he plans to bring our two cats out to L.A., in hopes of creating a "homey feeling" here. Wish us luck.

I'm keeping busy with vetting new tenants for a rental home I have with advertising, scheduling appointments and overseeing. My life is somewhat insane.

I guess it takes a little bit of crazy........ to see things happen.

Extraordinary.

My trip back home was indescribable and I have my dear friend John, to thank for sharing his frequent flyer miles with me:)

The day I flew out of LAX, I received a text from Logan very early in the a.m., telling me every alarm in our PA home was going off. As I stepped in the airport at LAX, I set off their alarm...... I knew I needed to pay special attention to this trip:) It would be extraordinary........

After landing at 9 last night, I knew I was back in LA because of the actions indicative to the culture. Everyone thinks they have to be first. 
Back at work today, but rested this afternoon and tonight, after unpacking. Think I had a jet lag hangover, which doesn't appeal to me at all!

Many things took place over the course of the few days I was out of LA and back in PA, and I can't wait to share with you. I have renewed focus and energies, so thank you all for that. I needed to feel the love........

One thing was made very clear to me..... LA and surrounding areas suck the life out of me, out of us, leaving one feeling much like the land must feel.... dry, drained, empty. I will be speaking LIFE in a larger way.

Extraordinary Love. Goodnight from SoCal, again.

Anticipate.

I had the best day EVER, lol. Started very early so I ran on Dunkin half the day! Sorry honey..... I had an iced coffee:D

Breakfast with my Macungie friends and catching up with Office Staff at the former Prudential Patt, White, now Berkshire Hathaway. There is great rewards in being able to return to our hometown with great anticipation and adrenaline....... I've never had such a feeling before in my life.

Big hugs from Logan's Lehigh teammates as they rallied at a friends house for Grass Doubles! Thank you Hillman family; you are always so generous:) And a new opportunity opening up for Chynna coaching, as she and Austin remain in the West for the weekend......

A spontaneous swim party was planned with my nieces and nephews and got my "workout" in for the day, lol:) THIS is the stuff in life that makes me happy....... and I want more of it. Meaningful, purposeful, and not self involved. That is me.

Investing in others. Some will take from me all they can. Others will give back when able, while even more do not have anything left to give. Much like the land in various parts, lives are desolate. Souls are depleted. Spirits drained. This is the economy that I am concerned about. This is the one that needs reviving.

I'm determined to tap into resources we've never seen before........

But first, SPORTSFEST!!!!

The Core.

Logan has safely landed in Philly and is back in his home, one that he truly treasures. He's already enjoying the great baking of his Aunt Teresa and fun times with family! I imagine they will hear of his depravity here in regards to food, cooking and the lack of "comforts."

Most everyone has this perception of the "Great L.A." and the surrounding areas. It is actually a very dirty place that many locals avoid, in spite of the the glorious lifestyle portrayed. There is a deceptive perception of this town..... it is nothing but emptiness. .

The dating scene proves to be similar. Immaturity and insolence abound but you cannot tell from one's appearance. "Friends with benefits" is an accurate statement, depicting offers my daughter and I have encountered. It is a very accepted practice and this lifestyle, oddly normalized.

My daughter received her diploma this week from Kutztown University in Pennsylvania, with very impressive accolades and achievements. She's been told she's "changing the culture" of the beach cities. Volleyball may have brought us here, but if our sacrifice does not benefit the futures of many, it will be futile.........

During my fitness class last night, I wondered if I could push myself more and I determined yes, I must. For the next 8 weeks, I am very focused on building my "core." I have handled such crap; I can only become even stronger. Going home will be the inspiration I need.

Logan and I plan to be at Sportsfest all day Saturday, so hope to see many friends there! As my plans are firmed, I will update on FB:) Please make sure to see me and connect if possible. This trip will shake a few things up.....

"Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be." 
Job 8:7

— with Chynna Sky.

 

Magic.

A plan is beginning to be mapped out for my youngest as he considers options, entering his upcoming Junior year in HS. His options will broaden as he commits to a new path in life..... Perspective keeps our purpose alive. Seeing the divine in the destruction is empowering.....

Back in mid March, after the HP Beach Tryouts with USA VB, he took a swim in the Pacific with new founds friends. He laid his sunglasses on the sand as he swam, only to return and find them swept away by the waves. I knew his "vision" was expanding...... and his future far more than he can comprehend......

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this. He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.....", as we trust in His plan, in the midst of injustices we experience, nothing but the best will come.

Literally about an hour after I cancelled Jordan's flights for this weekend, Austin was finally able to get his shift covered at work. Jordan is on his way here tonight and the two will be heading to San Diego tomorrow to see Switchfoot! IIt will be an amazing experience........ and another first! Can't wait to see Jordan again too:)

I'm so glad the two boys now have bikes and have used them regularly. After riding home from work, Austin's pedal fell off and he fell, but was able to get it home and fix it. He commends his dad for any mechanical ability he has, and I heartily agree:)

Even when I feel like we lack and it's easy to focus on what I still need to survive, I challenge myself to think on the good things. Today I began the editing process for what I feel will be my first book. This requires reading over the early days of my FB posts, which really take me back........this community has had quite the beginning....... we have bonded in a beautiful way.......

It's like "Magic." Coldplay

Impact.

Today I feel kind of like a foreigner in a new land, embarking upon a journey through uncharted territory. The Promised Land lies ahead.... but we have to make it through the desert first.......

As I engage others in relationships, I realize my sense of time feels completely altered. I am now on a fast track to what is meaningful and of purpose..... all resulting from trauma and tragedy. Perhaps that is the key element needed to do something extraordinary............

Plans rapidly change around here, and so weekend hopes are being adjusted because Austin can't get off of work. San Diego and Switchfoot might have to wait until next year:/ Logan's plotting his course for his ventures back home with his friends for ten days:) In the meantime, beach.

Logan and I visited a new dentist for the first time in California. Their modern technology was impressive and anything we want done under the sun, can be done. It's Southern Cal, so of course:) LOL. Providing insurance cooperates, it could be wisdom tooth extraction......

As my teeth were assessed, x-rayed and cleaned today, I was made to think of relationships. There can be a lot going on behind the scenes, in places we do not see. Sometimes I put things off to avoid dealing with the pain, frustrations, and decay that can come between me and those I care about. 
If issues are not cleaned up, the mess doesn't go away; it just builds up and deterioration begins. We come up with reasons why not to address the issues, but usually greater problems are created and we lose those we need.

During this season in my life, I never imagined I'd be wondering if I should go with a "sure thing" or take another risk......... what is best for me I wonder.

Goodnight.

Light.

Perhaps I've given you cause for concern, as I dig into the emotions of the "moves" we make but I am an inquisitive type. I will always search to find answers to my questions...... but I'm feeling a little bit like King Solomon at the moment.

I read how this man of great wisdom and knowledge was perplexed at the pleasures, toils, and pains in life. He speaks of times and seasons, activities and experiences, and came to no real conclusion. In the end, much of life was "meaningless."

Following his observations, however, he went on to write the Song of Songs... one of the most beautiful, "love" chapters written. Perhaps his observations helped him discover the real meaning in life. To love and be loved..... wholly, fully, and passionately. If I'm honest, that's what I want from my second chance......

My second fitness class was tonight, working on my core and strength. This parallels my life at the moment. I've determined to push myself as hard as I can go, which is up to each individual in the class. Again, such is life. I'm determined to see a difference in this 9 week period, taking me to the end of summer......

Being transparent is a choice I make. It means I "have thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived and unmistakable." Transparency "allows light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen," making meanings clearer. Many seek, few find. We crave it, yet negate it.

"Let there be Light."

Edge.

When I need to regain my focus or get refreshed, I have a place in Palos Verdes, or "PV", which I seem to be needing on a weekly basis since May. Tonight after praying, I made a list of pros and cons to remind Logan and myself why we came. My "stone tablets" so to speak.......

As I continue to avail myself to others, many are opening up to me.... with honesty about the area. I keep digging to understand this unusual city in this "strange, strange July." It's only the beginning.

Our East Coast edge can slowly deteriorate in this climate. On occasion, I write a vision out for each one, in order not to get caught up in wandering aimlessly in LA County. Chynna regained hers while home. Logan will find his again. Our perspective will keep us here..........

The kids are playing on the beach and training on their own this week while I'm working. Those who have their part time jobs work when scheduled, but isn't quite enough. Waiting on El Camino to accept Austin's loan so he can start in the Fall. That's gotta go through. We're on a deadline again:/

Chynna will be coaching a JV Girl's team for Vista Mar in the upcoming season; her pathway is becoming clearer. She will playing libero for a women's club team in Huntington Beach, starting this week:) A position she was meant to play.......

Late afternoon I felt cranky...... I know I'm not "alone" but I am weary of helping teens become independent and learn to live on their own. I could really use their dad's help right about now....... I didn't have any choice in that matter. Having both "healthy" parents available in a child's life is so important.

Trying not to feel desperate but some days..........