Magic.

A plan is beginning to be mapped out for my youngest as he considers options, entering his upcoming Junior year in HS. His options will broaden as he commits to a new path in life..... Perspective keeps our purpose alive. Seeing the divine in the destruction is empowering.....

Back in mid March, after the HP Beach Tryouts with USA VB, he took a swim in the Pacific with new founds friends. He laid his sunglasses on the sand as he swam, only to return and find them swept away by the waves. I knew his "vision" was expanding...... and his future far more than he can comprehend......

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this. He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.....", as we trust in His plan, in the midst of injustices we experience, nothing but the best will come.

Literally about an hour after I cancelled Jordan's flights for this weekend, Austin was finally able to get his shift covered at work. Jordan is on his way here tonight and the two will be heading to San Diego tomorrow to see Switchfoot! IIt will be an amazing experience........ and another first! Can't wait to see Jordan again too:)

I'm so glad the two boys now have bikes and have used them regularly. After riding home from work, Austin's pedal fell off and he fell, but was able to get it home and fix it. He commends his dad for any mechanical ability he has, and I heartily agree:)

Even when I feel like we lack and it's easy to focus on what I still need to survive, I challenge myself to think on the good things. Today I began the editing process for what I feel will be my first book. This requires reading over the early days of my FB posts, which really take me back........this community has had quite the beginning....... we have bonded in a beautiful way.......

It's like "Magic." Coldplay

Impact.

Today I feel kind of like a foreigner in a new land, embarking upon a journey through uncharted territory. The Promised Land lies ahead.... but we have to make it through the desert first.......

As I engage others in relationships, I realize my sense of time feels completely altered. I am now on a fast track to what is meaningful and of purpose..... all resulting from trauma and tragedy. Perhaps that is the key element needed to do something extraordinary............

Plans rapidly change around here, and so weekend hopes are being adjusted because Austin can't get off of work. San Diego and Switchfoot might have to wait until next year:/ Logan's plotting his course for his ventures back home with his friends for ten days:) In the meantime, beach.

Logan and I visited a new dentist for the first time in California. Their modern technology was impressive and anything we want done under the sun, can be done. It's Southern Cal, so of course:) LOL. Providing insurance cooperates, it could be wisdom tooth extraction......

As my teeth were assessed, x-rayed and cleaned today, I was made to think of relationships. There can be a lot going on behind the scenes, in places we do not see. Sometimes I put things off to avoid dealing with the pain, frustrations, and decay that can come between me and those I care about. 
If issues are not cleaned up, the mess doesn't go away; it just builds up and deterioration begins. We come up with reasons why not to address the issues, but usually greater problems are created and we lose those we need.

During this season in my life, I never imagined I'd be wondering if I should go with a "sure thing" or take another risk......... what is best for me I wonder.

Goodnight.

Secure.

In so many ways, we've picked ourselves up after a tragic event that tried to take us down. Being able to spend time together is not only life giving, but absolutely empowering...... I sometimes forget how much because I am so focused on what needs to continue to occur....

So many in our hometown and community are not only friends, but are like family too. You've been close..... and remain connected, our hearts to yours. In this new area we've landed in, we hope the same can happen. I want to make this mine.

I know we're not alone; everyone has things in life that make you fall, or damage your soul, almost beyond repair sometimes.... or so it would seem.
I've spent many months reflecting on who and what makes me feel secure. As a married woman, it was most often my husband; now it is not. I so much wanted to feel secure...... especially with so much happening in my life.

I've spent a lot of time deconstructing what and how I am supposed to live now.... and find that safety and security I really miss. I am finally turning the corner.... mostly because of prayer support and a mental shift I'm making.

My role as a mom has changed.... I am going with that flow. I AM working on myself;making choices of my own. Pushing back limitations..... I went with the kids to the soccer field. Today, Logan, Jordan, and I rented bikes for an hour for a minimal cost and rode the Strand. I feel I am finally changing. Nothing has changed for me except my intentions and actions. I know the rest will follow.

A few months ago, my laptop began giving me problems; I knew it was a security issue. At the same time, I had to close 3 of my credit cards, due to fraud and security issues. I knew God was trying to give me a message.

Jordan's job while here has been to figure out what was wrong, clean up all the "bugs" in the system; I needed more "protection" and "security" for my laptop. I knew I needed help and he was the guy to help. He installed the right software to protect me from stuff that should not get in. A metaphor for my life.......

I am so privileged to be sharing with you, some one on one through messages, and others in a larger venue. I am committed to helping you become "mobile". Mobility is the key. You have to start moving in the right direction........

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

— with Logan Gehman at Hermosa Beach Pier.

Legacy.

Volleyball unites family, inspires Redondo Beach teen in aftermath of father’s death

Glory days.

Not a day goes by when we don't think about home, the past and the way things used to be. Logan remembers how his dad would take early weekend mornings to clean the pool, giving him all the more reason to get out early on the ATV and ride through the yard. Nothing can replace what's been lost..... except our will to move on.

To quote the words of my youngest who says, "there's no going back; we can thrive now or lose it all and long for the past." As time passes, there comes a glorification of it, and a natural tendency to forget the difficulties. Plus they were kids with few cares. Now they know better....

With the addition of my 19 year old here, comes the need to work through more issues of grief. There are stages and phases, and with five of us in a family, it seems there is usually someone to speak life into..... they could so easily become part of this LOST generation and why I have such a passion to reach the young.......

Psalms 23 speaks to so much we face in life, no matter the spectrum or scope. Troubles settle in the soul, the seat of our emotions, the container for our feelings. It needs continual restoration because we experience hurt regularly. If I don't, it's because my heart is hardened or I'm protecting it. I especially need it now......

I'm ready to move on.... and bring others with me in the process. This is unlike anything we've ever seen before. Pioneering a movement

Strength.

Our Sundays are nothing like they were so many years ago, which was based more on routine than relevance. My late husband always wrestled with religion; he found a bit of breakthrough but never enough. We kept pushing him......

As the culture is being transformed, principles don't have to be abandoned. In this new place we're in, compromise always awaits. We remind ourselves regularly of what we are grounded in; if we don't, no one will. I'm taking a few verses from the Book of Hebrews and making them personal tonight:

"I won't throw away my confidence (freedom to speak); it will be richly rewarded. I need to persevere so that when I have done the will of God, I WILL receive what he has promised. No pleasure is taken in the one who shrinks back.
But WE do not belong to those who shrink back (withdraw) and are destroyed....."

There has been quite a bit happening in the last few months that could cause me to pull back and seek cover. But I am challenging my faith to grow even more because I need it too, to get to the next level in my life. This is very real......

The end to Transition Week for USA VB; Logan connected with a new friend from VA on the sand courts. He's moving here in a year and very familiar with East Coast VB:) Everyday there are new connections in Cali; it's fascinating.

Can't wait to see Jordan in SoCal this coming weekend; It's been 5 long months since his last visit.

Our needs are very real; our hopes very high. Perhaps my inability to gauge my emotions are a gift in disguise, so I don't give up......

Decisions.

Tough decisions don't come easy and a few had to be made in the last 7 days. I can understand why we don't make changes or want to let go........ even when it's for the best. If you let it go and it comes back to you, perhaps it's meant to be.

I never imagined my life taking the turns it has, especially without the man I knew for 25 years beside me. The void left behind is going to be filled with something; if done right, a purpose will be uncovered in the sacrifice....... if not, the results can be self destructive.

Tonight Logan's VB team beat Orange Lutheran in Quarter Finals to advance in CIF. The team will face Huntington Beach, the #1 team in the country, to play in the Semi's! This is some of the best play we've ever seen........ so many great players and exciting matches.

The energy of the game is palpable and I feel it. It is one of the only familiar feelings I have.....perhaps that's one reason I give it weight in my life. I still struggle to gauge difficulties after facing the worst. It is the weirdest thing. I always want to believe....... in people.

Perhaps there's a natural desire as a widow to allow others to get close after loss, or maybe it's just who I am. It's a whole new world......

Lots of beach activity happening in the last week, so hoping to chill a bit tomorrow, after work is done. I'd love to lay in the sun. Big week ahead.

I didn't realize the effects holding onto something had on me. Perhaps because death was so final, I didn't have a choice.... but I did have the option to find life for myself, or at least try to create one......

Feeling creative in SoCal.

Transitions.

I've been told that losing my husband when my kids were teenagers and/or young adults is easier than if my kids were young. I am of a differing opinion, having coming through two years of transitions. With teens, they are constant ......

So many crucial decisions are made during these days and they often have to be made on our own. Our lives have changed; the impact is felt daily. No one is here, holding my hand, telling me things will be okay... I just have to make educated choices and believe.......

Today, I spent time getting in place a Sallie Mae Loan for Austin's upcoming start at Elco. I really dislike handling these decisions. Need to get new homeowner's insurance in place as well, for my homes back east. Too many details to follow. I just want someone to tell me what to do.

I find it almost impossible to handle any negativity anymore. Logan feels the same as I, and even more so. This may perhaps be, a result of the trauma or trials we experienced in life, as our reality always remains with us. Or it is quite possible, we find more power in positive thinking....

I would rather think about what I can do, what I should try, or what might be possible, as opposed to feeling like there are no options available. I don't want to look at the worst case scenario. I flee from it. I believe in hope, as an anchor for the soul, and a constant for the future.....

Goodnight.

Trust Issues

I typically am willing to place a certain level of trust in a person, unless and until the trust is broken. Learning the lessons and walking those lines can be a tough place to be, especially in a new area...... and season in life. I am encountering issues I have never dealt with before.

In my circumstances, my age, and place in life, it's very weird, figuring out what I want, when I want it, and what "it" even looks like at this point. No one really expects to be in this situation, even though divorce is common and separation seems normal in our time.

When I think I know what I personally want, things seem to become complicated. I'm getting more advice from my kids than I ever thought I would be, on behavior, relationships, and resolutions, kind of like I don't know anything, lol:)

Logan's journey to HI begins this week with the Varsity VB team from Redondo Unified, who are traveling to the big tournament on Oahu:) Again, thanks to our dear friend who is investing in his future.....

Enjoyed time with a new friend, who showed me around PV a bit. I walked down to a cove by the ocean, where the rocks meet the water. I saw what I thought was a seal swimming, but turned out to be an Irish Setter:D Blond moment.

After providing the DMV with several documents in order to get my CA driver's license, but to no avail, I finally got to the bottom of the matter: I need to produce my original marriage certificate from 23 years ago, further proof of my identity, confirming maiden and married names.

You can imagine my surprise..... after a death and 20+ years later. And of course, I'm on a deadline now because of insurance. Needless to say, a courthouse in PA is sending me a certified copy. It will all work out.

Trust is a delicate thing and should be treated as a treasure.

Vision.

Whether on the East or West coast, there are core elements found in cultures. No matter what direction we come from, the potential to share common experiences is a beautiful thing that brings hope and healing.

While I continue to help those closest develop a path and plan for the future, I find grief to be an underlying element that eventually surfaces. It remains in the shadows, hoping not to be found, wreaking havoc in subtle ways and preventing delays in life. The emotions associated with loss haunt and keep healing from coming. Before you know it, you stop "moving"........

The direction our lives take is up to us.... for now, up to me, until each one does the necessary work to heal. It hits home when I remember my kids do not have their dad to find comfort, support, and strength in. The security and hugs my daughter enjoyed from her dad are no longer available. If I'm not attentive, as a parent, my children can look elsewhere for attention. In many ways, I don't move on, until they do......

I am acquainted with grief and the feelings that come along with it, so I am able to identify the effects of loss, young or old, and the aimlessness it brings. There is often no one to lead one through because most have not been this way before......

But everyday now holds some new secret for me to keep or share, whether mundane or mysterious...... and I curiously anticipate each day.

The Hermosa Beach Community Center displays a verse I live by that says, "where there is no vision, people perish." You must always be willing to see life, and loss, in new ways......

So on days when I fall down, I make myself get back up again and keep working towards our necessities and our dreams.
Goodnight from the Beach Cities.