Written deep in my heart.

Seasons come and go in life when it seems as if the toughest of times are upon us, personally and nationally. These moments are meant to strengthen not strip one of power............ it is then that purpose is perceived and action is taken.........

Character is built in a culture who has been through stuff together; in communities who care for each other. Contrary to what I believe in and hope for, this concept is not found everywhere. If you have found it, freely share with others. If not, find your "family," a place you do belong.

Reflecting on my personal history is so much more important than wiping it away, or pretending the past never happened. That is insanity. I can't rewrite history but allow it to be used as a reminder, and "writing those words on my heart."

These reminders, when written deep in the heart, will enable me to never forget the journey and what it has taken to get where I am going...... and I am going somewhere. 
They serve as a constant in life and are what brings me back to "home."

I took a big leap of faith today as I made a decision I've deliberated for weeks about. When faced with it I was reminded of my May-September timeline; time set aside to strength my core for the coming shift. There is so much insanity in this space......... I am coming back to my center.

I am grateful for the support I've gotten in order to take this next step which is risky. I will share more in the coming days. My heart is a little bit lighter tonight....................

Secure.

In so many ways, we've picked ourselves up after a tragic event that tried to take us down. Being able to spend time together is not only life giving, but absolutely empowering...... I sometimes forget how much because I am so focused on what needs to continue to occur....

So many in our hometown and community are not only friends, but are like family too. You've been close..... and remain connected, our hearts to yours. In this new area we've landed in, we hope the same can happen. I want to make this mine.

I know we're not alone; everyone has things in life that make you fall, or damage your soul, almost beyond repair sometimes.... or so it would seem.
I've spent many months reflecting on who and what makes me feel secure. As a married woman, it was most often my husband; now it is not. I so much wanted to feel secure...... especially with so much happening in my life.

I've spent a lot of time deconstructing what and how I am supposed to live now.... and find that safety and security I really miss. I am finally turning the corner.... mostly because of prayer support and a mental shift I'm making.

My role as a mom has changed.... I am going with that flow. I AM working on myself;making choices of my own. Pushing back limitations..... I went with the kids to the soccer field. Today, Logan, Jordan, and I rented bikes for an hour for a minimal cost and rode the Strand. I feel I am finally changing. Nothing has changed for me except my intentions and actions. I know the rest will follow.

A few months ago, my laptop began giving me problems; I knew it was a security issue. At the same time, I had to close 3 of my credit cards, due to fraud and security issues. I knew God was trying to give me a message.

Jordan's job while here has been to figure out what was wrong, clean up all the "bugs" in the system; I needed more "protection" and "security" for my laptop. I knew I needed help and he was the guy to help. He installed the right software to protect me from stuff that should not get in. A metaphor for my life.......

I am so privileged to be sharing with you, some one on one through messages, and others in a larger venue. I am committed to helping you become "mobile". Mobility is the key. You have to start moving in the right direction........

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

— with Logan Gehman at Hermosa Beach Pier.

Heart and Soul.

Loss has a way of ushering in what can feel like the end. I felt like my heart could not accept any more pain and I literally felt an ache anytime I wanted to care deeply about anyone or anything. Over 2 1/2 years later, that pain is slightly less.

Even more powerful than the actual loss is the FEAR of loss. Your heart and mind become conditioned to the overall climate of who's next or what else can go wrong. Trust becomes broken between family who is distant, fair weather friends, and most importantly, a futile faith. We pray but it doesn't seem to help so I ask how a "loving God" would let something so tragic, so painful, happen to me?

Over the years, I've searched for answers to those hard questions, and I can only share with you my experiences...... with authenticity and honesty. While our community back home struggles to grasp the loss of many young lives in recent years, I share the same sentiments the Apostle Paul wrote when he said:

"I thank God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the good news from the first day until now, and being confident of this, that he who began a good work, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart......"

Distance may separate us but I remain connected and I have ideas I will be sharing in the coming days to bring hope and a future to those who need it. I know I need it. My kids need it. Reminding my kids they had a future was a key ingredient in our recovery from loss, but I had to really believe it..... and embrace it.

This community is a core for life. Let the expansion begin!