All in.

When recovering from a loss in life, it is so very natural to link anything else that feels like a loss to that former suffering. Even if one has moved on, that pain can linger, hidden deep within the seat of our souls. The only way I have found to find freedom from it, is to allow it to be exposed........

That kind of exposure is super uncomfortable, mostly because we are afraid we will find we have to make a change. That pain can become all too familiar; it becomes easier to nurture our wounds and tell ourselves lies, so as to not deal with reality. Sometimes a big dose of reality is what is absolutely needed to shake us beyond our suffering..........

My time today was very cathartic, as I hung out in my home, waiting for an appliance delivery. It gave me a chance to begin to change things up inside, pulling out decor that had been stored and take stock of what is left. I moved around furniture on my own and it was fun;)

The kids and I have a lot of plans to open up our home once again to family and friends....... and we will plan accordingly. Living in L.A. showed all of us what we need, want, and are responsible for. We have learned to live with little or much. Either way, life is about more than just "me....."

When given much or given little, it's all in the way it's handled and it is all in our hands. I will be expanding on these thoughts and more in the coming days on my newly revamped blog, almost ready to be released!

Jordan will be working remotely for his current company BAM, out of SF, when he returns to the east. He will now be "freelancing" officially, with a contract worked out with them. It is a blessing for him to return with this piece in place:) And it's only the beginning........

Logan and I again worked together to get the new dryer hooked up because the delivery guy failed to do so. Who knew the first time I would need to put a clamp thingy on to seal the dryer vent, it would be in my 40's and with Log's help?! 
We later searched through our basement shelves for supplies to work at a rental I have opening shortly. I plan to be there on my own this week to get started on the project, with Logan helping when he can. Talk about a new adventure....... Lord help us.

When I make a move based out of my "faith", if I have any doubts about it, the purpose of the plan is doomed. I have to be fully persuaded which is the meaning behind the word "faith." Fully convinced. If not, I leave myself wide open, and my wounds totally unable to heal.........

I am all in.

Finding your way home.

"I was terrified the first time I left home but I persevered, knowing where home was and that I would always come back to it." (source unknown)

Perseverance. It grows from the testing of my faith; the trials I endure as I allow the process to work in my life. When this work is finished, the Book of James says I can be complete and mature, and lacking nothing. And when you're in the position I am in, this sounds pretty important to attain.

Perhaps God knew I was a quitter early on.... until He got a hold of me when I was 20 years old. Early on, the thing that tested me the most, as many know, was housing. This virtue would take years to develop but is wrapped up in my destiny.......... .

I was like many others and wanted the perfect home to raise a family in, especially having married a man older than I. When Plan B came into place, I naively agreed to the work required to put us in a better position than we had been financially. Little did I know the intense and immense work required to get there............

In order to hang onto what we have attained, I have needed this perseverance because there have been many times I want to throw in the towel. Concede. Admit that I cannot do this. Perhaps there is a Plan B, or just maybe I need a little bit more of my fight back..

My definition of home and what I wanted for the family we created was a place of acceptance. No matter what kind of day each of us had, there would always be a place of comfort awaiting. Comfort does not mean coddling to me, but a space for expansion and growth. Support. Safety.

With this in mind, the kids will be returning home in the next month. ALL of them. I have a feeling we will all enjoy what we've held onto here.... and work hard to keep it.

Updates will follow so watch for more:) Goodnight.

Mid Life.

As I reconnected with a few friends from my Berkshire Hathaway real estate office in the east, I felt as if I never left. It is quite amazing to be part of a community that cares about each other. This is the life I have come to know........... and need.

I don't think I am having a midlife crisis, but I am simply continuing to "find myself" in my mid 40s. Lol. Everything is new and different. New relationships and reconnecting, challenges and changes; these words are not often equated with midlife, or so I thought.

It's not that I don't long for the way things were, I fight those feelings most everyday. I can get stuck in the mire of self pity with moments of despair, but God has special friends in my life that can help lift me out, pull me forward and is what a meaningful life is all about...........

There has been some anxiety in our return as you can imagine, setting things up, moving things forward, but thankfully, we are underway. If I would let myself think about the "what ifs", I never would have done anything "after death." I am looking to trade anxieties for adventures:)

Last night Logan set foot on a VB court in our home territory for the first time in a week. He returns to his Club Lehigh team with great anticipation to play with the guys he's grown up with, and coaches he's known for several years. His first tournament on the east coast is this weekend:) He's home.........

We've been working, filing, cleaning and unpacking some things, while the west coast kids are now living on their own. I'm again talking late at night, as I was less than 2 years ago, and looking a bit harried for Face Time. So far, so good with Chynna and Austin sharing a place, working, gym time, and planning ahead. Jordan, as always, makes me laugh.........

I think I've returned from L.A. a little bit more open, honest, caring and sharing..... if you can imagine that!

"All things work together for my good."