Can I be happy?

Portions of Psalms 23 have come to life for me and even become quite precious in the last 3 years...... it's as if when hearing these poetic words, I feel the restoration meant for my soul....... and I know there are times of refreshing. Today was one such day.

While my family was tested by extraneous circumstances this past week and particularly last night, I often have a knot in my stomach when uncertainties arise. But then, as if to counteract the negative, there is an automatic response I now also have....... there is no flight, ONLY flight in me.....

I did not stare hell down through hardship simply to turn and flee, when the enemy of my soul attempts to do damage to those I love and the communities I care about. Speaking life is now my mission; THAT is the gift SoCal has given me..... and I have paid a price to get here.

I said farewell to my new friends at Prudential CA in Hermosa Beach today, soon to be Berkshire Hathaway Home Services. The name will be changing in a week, as well as the location, and after wrestling with God this Fall, I knew another change was on the horizon for me. I had to face it head first........

After training a new girl to take my hours and position there, I am now super excited to begin the next phase of my personal journey! Through this office, I have met so many interesting people who I now call "friends", to which I will be forever grateful. My manager, Mistydawn, gave me a chance........ and I thank you so much:)

I have been asked by the man closest to me if I can be "happy", to which I have replied in the past, "I don't know when or how...... or if" some days. That has been my honest answer; however, in seeking to follow the perceived will of God for my life, I remain hopeful.

John has been nothing but patient, kind, and supportive..... I am super blessed. The future will flourish and you will be fascinated...........

Goodness and love ARE meant to follow me (and you), and I think I may be finding just that..........

Separation is sweet sorrow.

If a separation from a partner occurs, whether in love, loss, or life, there is an automatic emptiness. The one who occupied the place of existence is no longer present, and there are countless things to walk through.... and work through. Both require motion at a time when it's easiest not to "move."

These few years after losing my partner have flown by and as it turns out, I'm managing far more separated than I did together. I often waited on him for answers, decisions, and actions. It now is all mine to tackle. Knowing who to go to for help, and better yet, getting a good response has allowed me to grow immensely.

Many years ago I joked that I would one day manage a "growing empire," and most days, if feels as if I'm being groomed........

We continue to evaluate my 19 year old's choices for his future, as he's at a crucial age in decision making and debt. As a single mom, I am the co-signer on college loans and so, every decision becomes an important one. It has to be thought out, well planned, and properly executed. 
As frustrating as it can be, I remain committed to helping him find his way through and into a prosperous future.

In the next few months, my daughter's student loans are going into repayment which requires us to be ahead of the game yet again. Plans need to be made and budgets taken into consideration. I have spent more time on the Sallie Mae website and consulting a financial friend the last few weeks than in the past few years...... I am forcing myself to understand the whole process..... even though I could shut down my brain.

Tonight Logan and I spoke with a recruiting company in which we can put valuable tools in place for him to be found and considered as a student/athlete. I saw new life in him, hope for the hard work he's put in many years. I am again, committed to his process in every way; I can't afford to be tired................

While I share with you the "realities" regularly faced, I also testify to the goodness of the God I believe in Him. Days when I feel I can't read another paper or answer another email, I somehow find the strength and determination to do so.

The tough times, dry days, and weeks you may spend wondering what "life" is all about...... you should know that if your heart is willing, He will use everything in your present to prepare you for your future....... it is an amazing sight to behold as His glorious plans continue to unfold........

Sweet dreams to all.

Refined by fire.

Whenever a dream is dreamed or a vision unfolds, there is always an "enemy" that will challenge it. Whatever the "enemy" is, I find it is usually connected to feeling a lack of something....... time, money, confidence, commitment, or faith. The list is unending.

Relating to a vision or dream, there WILL be a testing period, to see the level or lengths you will go to, to make things happen. There is a fine line to making things happen myself and/or trusting in the goodness of God. Even though I do everything I can do to be found faithful and to do my part, I have found His favor to be far better.......

Today Jordan and company headed to Lake Tahoe, to participate in a bike ride, at least 50 miles. His company pays for his participation in the trip as a "health benefit." My skinny Jordan is becoming quite buff:) He'll be back to work early next week; it's a quick trip.

Chynna's Vista Mar Girls JV team won their first match of the season Friday night, and she was very pleased:) Her hopes of giving private VB lessons and personal training continues to grow. Today she took Janelle Turner paddle boarding for the first time since moving here:)

We are thrilled that Austin finally has a bed and he was able to deflate the air mattress. It's actually a queen size with box spring he found out for trash, but in great condition:) Little by little, the styrofoam coolers he was using have been moved out of his BR. Now, I'm using them for storage....

Logan and I are being schooled in the Southern CA Club VB scene, second year in. It's kind of like a meat market, depending what club tryout you're at. You can feel the vibe and it's rough. Logan's maturity level allows him to handle the process well. He's had several offers come in from clubs he's only dreamt of playing with when living back east....................

The tests we've been through reveal character, cockiness, confidence or criteria; the internal is always revealed externally. I'm told there is a "goodness" we have brought to SoCal...... I know that cannot and will not change........ no matter the present culture.

Your support and love means the world to me; I don't know if I can truly convey how much you help get me through and motivate me...... Honest to God, I would never be able to do this. We have big plans and my ideas continue to flow......

It's time to get some new plans and make it happen......