"In My Place"

Tonight I am so tempted to go on a rant...... it's been that kind of day, week, month..... year actually. I continue to be amazed at what I am seeing, who I am encountering, and the callousness at which life is lived in Cali. I long for goodness.......... and good people.

I will refrain from ranting and raging but It is really, really tough to be positive in a negative environment. It seems the meaning of friendships, love, life and the meaning thereof finds no room in our current climate. To say I am conflicted is putting it mildly............

Toxicity in relationships takes on a variety of forms and I've run the gamut in my lifetime. There is the all out physical abuse that is seen, heard, and felt, and you know you need to get out. Knowing it and doing it requires great courage, support, and strength unimaginable to conquer the fears.

Mental games however, often go unnoticed but is just as powerful if not more, than physical battery. There is a wearing away of stability, a support structure, and most of all, sanity. You completely lose your life. In this land of images and idolatry, the one thing unadvertised is the insanity of it all....

So thankful for John Hayes, who is flying out for a quick visit tonight and staying for a few days:) Logan's looking forward to watching the Eagles game tomorrow with us, providing it's broadcast here:) He's got the Hallmark Channel on daily, playing Christmas movies, with a few candles lit. Anything to feel some "goodness" here.................

Many transitions are in the forecast for us as we remain unsettled.....but not unstable. There is a difference. Jordan is working on updating my blog with a new layout and format. I need to learn how to format my time now, starting my 3rd week of self employment:)

"How long must we wait for it........."

Highs and Lows.

SoCal experienced a bit of refreshing rains overnight which has ended a week of cooler temps and overcast skies. No matter where I am in life, I have learned there are times that seem "heavy," and the climate seems to speak to those physical highs and lows.

As we see the snowfall pics posted, it's so crazy how we connect to the change in seasons because there is a refreshing that comes. I see it so clearly. Logan is longing to see snow..... and it's a good thing he and I will be back for the Thanksgiving holiday! He needs his close friends and "real life........"

I've found to get past any type of homesickness requires we be in a new place for minimum of a year. That is sufficient time for an easily adaptable and flexible family to find real friends, feel some joy, and strengthen our resolve........... and perfectly position us.

My daughter has officially been given the job as a beach coach for MS girls, and will begin working with the Pepperdine coach. This man also trains and coaches AVP players Kerri Walsh and April Ross. Crazy stuff. "Your beginnings will seem humble........"

Logan's stitches are out, after 5 days with 5 blue stitches. Email contacts continue with high level schools which brings much needed energy to our resources. Our kitty Schmoopie slept in a box all day and Olive had a big day out with Austin that left her wanting more:) Meowing at the door.....

An "exodus" of sorts has begun since Fall, which I spoke of a few months ago; it's happening in various sectors and societies. I see so many being positioned and repositioned in this season. If change comes, embrace it; don't escape it. The time is now.

Go for it.

Running the race to win.

I like to live and thrive in a climate where I feel energized and can in turn, empower and encourage others. If I am simply surviving, it makes it very difficult to reach out to another...... and that is motivation enough for me to push past my own personal pain and find the path to victory.

As I have seen back east or west, no matter where I am the enemy of my soul will always try to pillage and plunder my life. Whether through emotions, arrogance, ignorance, or obstinance, I find I cannot become passive about receiving the recompense that is mine to possess...........

In order to receive the rewards, I have to first believe they are meant to be mine. I have a wonderful man in my life who has helped me through the countless trappings that beset a widow with the kind of responsibilities I have had. And yet, it's taken me time to receive what he brings to my life...

Three years in, I remain very respectful of Doug's passing and the race we are now running without him. We try to "forget what is behind and press toward what is ahead, we forge on....... towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called us to look heavenward....... We must push ahead to take hold of what Christ fought for, to give us." (Philippians 3)

Chynna is mostly on the mend and fever free, but fighting a sore throat still. Her life has resumed and she's back to coaching:) Her first boy's tournament begins Saturday in Anaheim, with promise of a new prospect as a beach coach:) She came face to face with Kerri Walsh in a Hermosa Beach cafe one week ago..... as she interviewed for a position.

Decisions are being made for Austin's future, as we look at colleges for 2015 and a new career choice. He enjoyed visiting with our one neighbor and daughters who are actually friendly; he and his guitar went to visit:) He's been riding bike a distance to catch the bus to Elco which had me concerned for a while, and after too many close calls, we are making other plans:/ New path and plan.

Just like in any race run or goal achieved, there are steps, many steps taken in order to arrive. There are no setbacks.... only setups (KC) to the next thing. My role is to see the steps needed to be taken to get where we are going..........

"Trusting God to make all things clear.......as we live up to what we have already attained." (Chapter 3)

Time and space.

“We've always defined ourselves by the ability to overcome the impossible. And we count these moments. These moments when we dare to aim higher, to break barriers, to reach for the stars, to make the unknown known. We count these moments as our proudest achievements. But we lost all that. Or perhaps we've just forgotten that we are still pioneers. And we've barely begun. And that our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, because our destiny lies above us.” Interstellar.

Looking to the heavens.

Rise up.

November 11 brings about two very special days to reflect and remember the heart of sacrifice.......... Doug's birthday has always coincided with Veteran's Day and this year would be his 56th, which for me, seems hard to imagine.......

Today the boys and I spent time together since both had off from school. We saw the epic movie "Interstellar," and I was moved beyond words. From the time span of over 3 years, I have seen so many dots connecting in life, gradually revealing this most amazing plan....... and purpose.

In day to day life however, it can be a struggle to keep that plan in front of me and my kids. Just a few nights ago one of my kids said to me that he/she feels "lost"........... Longing for the way things once were, even if imperfect. Yet we know we can never go back to the same place in time and space.

We can tell ourselves something is enough, even when there is no life left. The hope is for a "Lazarus" kind of moment..........

It seems Logan continues to heal after having his first night of VB practice with Surf since the stitches. I'm also hoping Chynna is now on the mend and fever free:) Perhaps my type of remedy has helped........

I have found when death hits a household, blame can soon follow after. This is almost as bad, if not worse, than the trauma of the tragedy itself.....

"The greater the destiny, the greater the determination has to be." (me)

Teach me how to pray.

I find myself, on this Monday, asking the One in heaven in whom I trust, just "how to pray." I am a person who believes the best in people of all kinds, and sees the potential in any type of person. However, after being immersed in a culture so contrary to anything good I have ever known, I am asking for heavenly wisdom............. I believe for the best, yet see much of the worst.

When this happens in life, how I choose to handle it, reveals my character, and what is deep down inside my core. Perhaps some say"change your attitude" or it's a "matter of perspective" but I have found there may be a purpose for me to be in the middle of this mayhem...... so I can see what God sees.......... is there redemption I ask ............

Chynna's fever was gone for most of the day, until late afternoon. I'm trusting she will turn around quickly and be able to pursue her activities asap. The realities of paychecks or the lack thereof hit home, in order to make her budget work. I have been busy since leaving my job.........

After having 3 rental homes vacated within a few weeks of each other, I have been able to find tenants for each, with more calls, texts, and emails to return. Thankfully, the demand continues and my support back home from John Hayes and the Godshalls enables me to be here for now........

I'd like to say I have little to no stress with it all, but that's not really true depending on how others try to treat me. I have had hassles since Doug's death, no doubt about it:/ Whether it is here or there, I have chosen not to compromise my heart. "I die daily." 
Connections may get you places; status is sought after in SoCal, but we remain committed.......... to people and hearing His will.

We came here, hoping and wanting to make a difference; I know that is happening...... in the realm we cannot see. In life as we know it everyday, I'm not so sure....... when I know someone is hurting or needs help, I reach out; however, it's as if there is a cavalier attitude I am not acquainted with.......... there's little to no depth to deal with difficulties. I still don't know what to do with this fact, or how to react, 14 months after moving..... it is insanity.

Tonight Logan returns to the court and practice with MB Surf. I will be watching...... and learning. Courage. Strength. Heart. Soul.

"The soul absorbs trauma, but the spirit is able to ascend it." my quote. 
Let's keep rising.

Ears Open Up.

I learn a lot from my kids, and I know they learn from me too. A mutually beneficial relationship is what I hope to have, as I have always tried to model authenticity.......... out of real love. Ears open up when this is the case.......

Having four is a feat I am finding out, and why it's a good idea when two parents can partner together for a common goal. The fracturing of families is a phenomenon hard to explain, but perhaps our hearts can open up a bit wider for one another as a result.

In a land where selfish ambition, envy, and strife abound, there will be confusion,"disorder" and every evil thing we are told in James 3. Daily it can be difficult to find a person freely willing to abandon their own desires in order to share in another's goals, dreams, or purposes........... never more evident than in our present "state."

It has been a gift to know the kind of people in the east who are willing to fight the battles for another, and step up and step in to help and to sacrifice; this was never more evident than in the tragedies our nation has suffered, traumas we've experienced, or troubles that come along. The selfless rush in.

Rather than a truly restful day, I took my daughter to the same Urgent Care Logan was in last night. She, who rarely gets sick, has been hit hard with fever, sore throat, aches and everything under the sun. Supposedly it's not strep throat but I have my doubts:/ Missing our doctors back home. Here, you are just a number..........

She's staying with us for now and I'm hoping to help nurse her back to health, even though I am not the most nurturing mom I know. So much is required from those who have been "given much." This is the time when a little bit of team effort from a partner could go a long way.

Jordan's teaching me a lot and gave me a crash course in the web pages we are currently using online. His patience can wear a bit thin, but I have come such a long way and we are both energized at the prospects! Looking forward to practicing this week and getting our plans fleshed out even more.

Please continue to pray for us. It is a great gift.

The value of virtue.

One thing for sure is through the trials in life, having peace that passes understanding is of primary importance to me. There are few other things that allow decisions to be made to move forward, with the confidence we have had........

With all my experiences in life and loss, peace has become even more important. I know it when I find it; when it is not present, it cannot be manufactured. While it may not matter to many, I know the value of this virtue.

Logan's MB Surf team played in Anaheim today, missing 4 of their players to SAT's. He donned the libero uniform and took up the position. His team headed to the semifinals on another 90 day in November; however, we wrapped it up by heading to Urgent Care:/

While digging a ball, he hit the court and ended up with a slight gash in his chin:/ When I saw him bleeding, I was summoned by the coach and we headed to the trainer. After bandaged up, he went back to play for the last few points.... the heart of an athlete always emerges.

I wasn't sure what to do regarding stitches or not, and if his dad was here he would've bandaged him up with butterfly bandages and first aid ointment and declared all is well. The old school way. The doctor decided differently and gave him 5 blue stitches for 5 days. Either I had peace through it all, or I am still just numb......

Thank the Lord for the gift that passes human understanding, and defies any odds stacked against us. It is possible to have internal peace, where there is none to be found in the external sense........

At a point in Jesus' ministry, he advised those who followed to determine whether or not a place or people, deserved their "peace." They may be welcomed initially, but perhaps no longer wanted. 
After making a determination, they were advised to put their peace on the place, or leave with it intact, not to be wasted.

If a person or place was not worthy of this blessing and well wishes, the blessing left with them. They'd shake the "dust" off and move on. No blessing to be left. No peace to be placed.

I came here expecting one thing, and have experienced something so totally opposite. 
"Vice Verses." Switchfoot

A gift to humanity.

Who I am at my core can most often be reflected in the waves of life that toss me to and fro, creating a climate in which I will strive or thrive. Either I find a flow or am taken out with the tide..... Nothing has ever pulled me in so deep quite like SoCal........ can I come up for air now?

As I walk the strand at the beach or local streets, there are few who say "hello" or flash a friendly smile. It is so unlike the warm sunshine felt on the skin and the person I have wanted to be....... myself. After 15 months, this "cool climate" on a 90 degree November day, has gotten very stale.

For now, I see seasons in terms of school sessions, college years, and graduations and somehow I fit my own future in there:) Making college connections for Logan can be a part time job, and choosing options for Austin's future is time consuming.

To help bring the "Spirit" to SoCal, Logan's begun listening to Christmas music and tuning into holiday related shows:) He was always the one who made the seasons more festive, fun and celebratory back home and has tried here too.

I continue wrapping up rental business this week, that's weighed on me for a while. Ironically things seem to run more smoothly for me there. My budget is shot to hell but trusting for a turn around and to no longer be overwhelmed by it:)

Within this community, there has been an honesty that has risen from a tragedy. It is a gift to humanity and one that keeps on giving................ Love and Life.

The countdown to "Christmas" is on.

My special Skyler.

As I read the words of each of my kids last night, tears did flow. Each profound in their own way.........I found myself suddenly sobbing, as a few face timed in another room. I am truly counting on each and every tear being accounted for and recounted........ and recompense coming 

I was not always free with my expressions. The words, emotions, and heartfelt accounts were not natural to me for a long time. It was until my late 20's, when my sister gave birth to our special Skyler Chase, who passed on 17 months after his Uncle Doug, and 19 months ago today, that I allowed myself to feel...... and be more real.

I remember at the time feeling as if I had been punched in my gut; my core ached, my heart literally hurt. I felt helpless..... the only thing I could do was fall to my knees before God, and bring that support to my family. The pain was so great as if I couldn't stand, as Skyler's life hung in the balance, April 23, 1996 in Philadelphia, PA.

As many are aware, those days in the NICU and caring for him were days no one wants to relive. However, something happened to me in that time.... and to my kids. We heard the dire prognoses of doctors.... and yet we witnessed a miracle. Skyler lived for 17 "special" years, being cared for by the most selfless of parents and siblings.NICu

He served as an inspiration for his Uncle Doug, myself, and my kids. I still hear his voice in my head, reminding me to lighten up a little more, to laugh a bit louder, and to smile during the pain which doesn't always go away. Some days I feel successful, while others I fail...... but if I do fall, I always get up again.......

It seems as if when stuff we face wants to rip at our core, God seems to provide a positive for each negative...... in His time... in His way. Today, while feeling particularly challenged, Logan and I perked up when viewing his VB video clips that went live and online on a his college recruiting site. He's got great colleges viewing him........ hope remains.

My daughter completed her first HS Junior Varsity Girls Head Coaching job, finishing with an undefeated season at Vista Mar! To say we are elated and proud of her is an understatement..... she was made to coach. To inspire others and make us better........

That is only one of our goals........ it just happens to be in the VB venue for a few of us, but the idea remains the same.

Life. Life. Life....... and lots of love.